Just Be a Slut for Halloween

“I’m a mouse, duh.”

Karen from Mean Girls said it the best.

Halloween—the night when a large number of people barely put clothes on and only a fraction of witnesses roll their eyes at the nudity. So, why do girls use Halloween as an excuse to dress like a slut? I mean, clearly their inner sluts have been waiting for this day since November 1 of last year.

I love Halloween because it’s the one day of the year that I can be whoever and whatever I want. I wanted to pretend to drink blood one year. I cast some pretty badass spells with a green face and a pointy hat, and I even sold insurance to the lovely candy-givers as Flo from Progressive.

If a single day allows you to be whoever you want, why waste it on being a “sexy” bumblebee. I didn’t even know that costume existed; all of the bees I’ve seen are pretty ugly and furry. My personal favorite is the lingerie-clad kitten with eyeliner-drawn whiskers and a black nose. That cat better make sure the neighborhood male felines aren’t in heat. That would be awkward.

Here’s where my confusion lies—if you want to go as a slut for Halloween, just go as a slut. You don’t have to ruin your favorite childhood costumes by making them into two-pieces or just leaving enough material to cover your goods. A Scooby Doo costume that once looked like a cute dog is now in leotard-form with a single paw print on the left breast. As long as the leotard is brown, she has a green collar and there’s a paw print, she’s Scooby, right?

I mean have you spotted slutty Nemo? Yes, Nemo, the little fish with the fin problem that had to find his way back to the anem…anem…anemone. The silk stockings and corset are orange with white stripes. There is however, a small, black tutu around the waste. And that’s it. That’s the entire costume…fishy.

Even better—Woody and Buzz in woman form. I once saw two teens in these Toy Story costumes. Woody definitely wasn’t wearing jeans, and Buzz was not wearing galactic sleeves. Rather, Woody had on brown boy shorts, aka underwear, with a very small crop top, boots, a bandana around her neck and a cowboy hat. The crop top had a fake yellow badge on it, and the underwear had a fake “cowboy” belt. Yee-haw. The best part about Buzz’s “shirt” were the two red “buttons” that were positioned on each nipple. Clever. There went my childhood.

So for those of us who continue to dress up for Halloween (even though we definitely aren’t 12 anymore), let’s not ruin the nostalgic original costumes by putting them through the figurative and literal shredder. If you’re asked what you’re planning on being for Halloween and you answer with, “A pussy cat,” we all know what that really means…I feel like you should probably just answer with, “I’m going to be a slut that decided to dress like a cat for her pole dancing solo.” It would make a lot more sense, but I’m not here to judge. My vote? Save that “sexy” unicorn costume for fun in the sheets.

Who wants to be a fully clothed flesh-eating zombie with me?