The one who can’t choose between a fat, juicy steak at the local steakhouse or succulent crab legs by the bay. Typical Libra. The one who can’t seem to remove their ass from the couch. A Leo in their natural state. The one who gave $20 to a guy on the street, only for him to buy packs of cigarettes. The overly-trusting Pisces. Who needs psychiatrists to dig deep into your mind and soul when zodiac signs can do that for free? However, maybe you shouldn’t have canceled the appointment with Dr. Jones. Why? There’s now a 13th zodiac sign—AKA your horoscope has changed.
Before you become freaked out with details, here’s the newly improved list of zodiac signs:
Capricorn: January 20–February 16
Considered the most serious sign, Capricorns are bossy, yet disciplined. Have them get you a drink at the bar.
Aquarius: February 16–March 11
Aquarius’ tend to be shy and quiet or energetic and hyper. Well, like, pick one.
Pisces: March 11–April 18
Never judges anyone and can be very forgiving—have them pick you up after your wild night.
Aries: April 18–May 13
The confident, competitive and aggressive ones. Make sure they’re on your dodge ball team.
Taurus: May 13–June 21
Marry a Taurus. They’re good at making money with their devoted and practical persona.
Gemini: June 21– July 20
Despite Gemini being versatile and affectionate, don’t ask them to pick a restaurant. They’ll take forever.
Cancer: July 20–August 10
Just steer clear—they’re the most complicated sign and can be way too moody.
Leo: August 10–September 16
The leader of the pack. AKA—wears the pants in all relationships.
Virgo: September 16–October 30
You need at least one Virgo in your squad, they’re the most careful and practical.
Libra: October 30–November 23
Potentially a political figure due to their diplomatic attitude, but Libras can be peaceful and fair, so never mind.
Scorpio: November 23–November 29
You can trust Scorpios with all of your secrets. Even that one night…
Ophiuchus: November 29–December 17
And none for Ophiuchus, bye.
Sagittarius: December 17–January 20
The wander-luster. A Sagittarius will always be ready for a road trip.
Did you move forward a zodiac sign?
Do you feel your life tearing apart at the seams? Are you now the sign you once hated? Instead of being a stubborn, yet intelligent person, now you’re wild and indecisive.
Are you an Ophiuchus? Well, your first order of business should definitely involve you figuring out the correct pronunciation. But no matter how eloquently you say it, the new sign still sounds like a disease. With your birthday falling under this zodiac, you’re now an honorary member of Slytherin because Ophiuchus call themselves the serpent bearer. You wish the government would participate in a barter economy and be heavier involved with trade. Good luck with that. You’re spirited, clever and can be temperamental. So basically, you’re a horse.
Aside from the dramatized reaction of you shedding a tear, throwing your phone and shaking your fists at the astrology gods, this change was inevitable. Dr. Cecelia Barnbaum, Physics and Astronomy professor at Valdosta State University, offered some knowledge behind the zodiac epidemic. “Astrology is an ancient Babylonian religion. It was a set up a few thousand years ago when the constellations were in slightly different locations than they are today. The reason for the apparent drift in constellations over this time period is that the rotation axis of Earth precesses, like a top,” explained Barnbaum. Are you catching on yet?
“The constellations of the zodiac are those that line up along the plane of our Solar System. From Earth, we see that plane as a line that circles the Earth and is called the Ecliptic…the precession of Earth’s rotation axis causes the location of the intersection points to slide along the Ecliptic. For example, the Sun is in a different constellation on the first day of Spring in current times than it was in the time of Babylonians,” continued Barnbaum. Picking up the pattern?
“Therefore, since the times when the Babylonians set up their system (your “sign” is the constellation that the Sun was in the day of your birth), the Sun is no longer in the same constellation on a given day as it was in ancient times,” Barnbaum said.
Blame the Sun. Blame the Ecliptic. But just accept your new sign, and move on about your alter-ego lifestyle.