“There’s a stranger in my bed. There’s a pounding in my head.” More than just a catchy Katy Perry song, these lyrics are an awkward reality you probably made fun of at one point. But then one day you’re waking up with a stranger, finding your clothes, finding your phone, stealing his last Gatorade and getting out of there as quick as humanly possible.
Sure, there are a lot of songs about waking up next to a rando, but none of them tell you what to do afterwards. You might pretend to be asleep for a little or pray that he’ll leave on his own, but as more and more time passes you’re forced to come up with a game plan. Check out some tried and true methods.
Make an Excuse
College students are always busy, so don’t be afraid to play that up. “You can look at your phone and be like oh I have a group project I have to go work on,” University of Maryland sophomore Anna White said. “Text your best friend something like ‘Weren’t we supposed to get brunch?’ It’s the classic, ‘Oh my God I was supposed to do this.’” Sometimes you actually do have work to do. Sometimes you might have to lie out of desperation. He’ll (hopefully) never know.
Escort Them Home
“If you have a car, offer them a ride home,” Syracuse junior Ryan Friedman said. “If you don’t it’s going to be a little trickier.” If your campus is small enough and the weather is nice you could walk them back to their place. Of course this could end up being both painfully awkward and painfully sober. If you really just want them out, you could do what Drake would in the situation and call their ass an Uber. You got somewhere to be.
Sometimes honesty is the best policy. And sometimes honesty is the only policy. Especially when people really can’t read social cues. “Rip it off like a Band-Aid,” White said. “Don’t lay there in hopes of anything more. If you don’t have anything to talk about or insightful to say, it’s your or their time to go. I had this one guy stay over, and he didn’t want to get out of bed. So I sat on the couch with my roommate until he got up… I told him I would take him back to his place and he left.”
Create a Medical Emergency
“911, what’s your emergency?”
I just want to watch Parks and Rec, but my one night stand won’t leave.
Syracuse University Sophomore Elizabeth Kuhn said she once had a guy kick her out by faking an emergency.“I woke up and the guy I was with tells me his friend Jim is throwing up everywhere and that he needs to go help him. I decide to head out and this guy is knocking on the bathroom door like ‘Jim are you okay,’ and I just hear Jim in a confused voice going ‘Dude I’m fine,’ and the guy was like ‘I’m coming right in to help you.’” Kuhn said she had to applaud the guy for his creativity, and filed the tactic away for herself. “Make it as gross or as bloody as you want,” Kuhn said.
“If you wanna do what I usually do, you can start by over sharing and opening up about your life and all of its problems,” White said. “Crying works.” Desperate times call for desperate measures, and if you don’t care what your latest lay thinks of you, this is a surefire way to get somebody to leave. There’s nothing quite like feelings to send a non-committal college student running. And if they stay, sounds like a keeper to me.
Or a two-night stand at the very least.