Graduating seniors may be waving goodbye to these social archetypes, but incoming freshmen will be coming across them in a few short months, and it’s always good to be prepared. Here are some invaluable descriptions to help you identify, avoid or befriend some distinctive people on campus.
1. The Mooch
“You gonna eat that sandwich?” “Can I have the rest of those chips?” The moocher is always on the lookout for free things—food, shirts, you name it—and will not hesitate to scoop your leftovers right out of your mouth because, “you weren’t going to finish that, were you?”
2. The Fitness Freak
If you send a text at 2 a.m., the fitness freak will probably get back to you within a few hours because he or she is waking up at the crack of dawn for a “short” 10-mile run. He is ripped, jacked or otherwise muscle-bound, and also probably one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. These toned specimens are always smiling and simply overflowing with enthusiasm (and endorphins).
3. The Liar
This one always has a story to tell, typically one that’s so unbelievable it’s practically your civic duty to call it into question. Even though you know you’ll only end up more frustrated, you can’t help but ask for the details of that encounter with the CEO of Steam in the hopes of catching her in a lie. This won’t work, so next time, instead of “there’s no way you were bitten by a great white shark over spring break,” try “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you didn’t lose too much blood.” Save yourself some mental stress and just accept the madness.
4. The Boozehound
Alcohol still holds novelty for the boozehound, who can be found in a bar or club 96 percent of the time. This party animal spends the other four percent of her time convincing other people to do Jell-O shots. Believing that alcohol is mandatory at any social gathering, she approaches drinking like she’s still underage and super excited to participate in this illegal activity. You’re likely to spot her in the bar closest to campus, screaming “Water is for quitters!” as she chugs a Heineken.
5. The Animal Lover
That rule about only having non-carnivorous fish in the dorms? It’s because of this person. Every living thing is precious to the animal lover, from squirrels to the stinkbugs that invade your room in the spring. He is probably engaged in some kind of research involving animals and also volunteers at the animal shelter on the weekends. Because he is determined to save any and all animals from a terrible fate, the animal lover is a vegetarian, and vet school is definitely in the future.
6. The Paranoid Academic
Obviously still traumatized from the mad rush to get into the Ivies, the paranoid academic hangs onto the idea that grades determine self-worth, and won’t be told otherwise. Keep an eye out for frequent phrases like “How’d you do on the test?” and “Do you think the professor will give me another point if I show him that I had the correct answer scribbled higher up on the page?”
7. The Lazy One
Also known as the super chill one, the lazy one cares about school approximately eight percent of the time. There is no project too big, no assignment too complicated that can’t be started and finished the morning it’s due. She’s probably the paranoid academic’s best friend—the two create a unique balance and take turns instilling calm and panic in each other.
8. The Social Media Addict
Always glued to a phone, computer or tablet, the social media addict really just likes to know what’s happening. She is the first to know about the latest movie or technology. She’s useful when you want to be informed, but a little frustrating as a conversation partner—try complaining about your crush over the incessant click of her fingernails on an iPhone screen.
9. The Glory Days Guy
Back in high school, this guy was the sh!t. Although he’s in college now, he can’t seem to let go of his junior year lacrosse championship and also wants everyone to know that he took 11 AP tests. You’re most likely to spot him strutting across the quad wearing an old letterman jacket and carrying his trusty lacrosse stick.
10. The Recluse
If you’ve got one of these for a roommate, it’s a blessing and a curse. The recluse keeps to himself and won’t mess with your stuff, but will always be in the room. On the positive side, you can always leave your door unlocked and know someone’s keeping your computer safe. But, you might open your door after a wild night to find your sexiled roommate curled up in the hallway because he had nowhere else to go.