22 Things You Hate Your Drunk Self for Doing

Once the cheap vodka comes out, the pregame has officially begun.

You immediately adopt the philosophy, “can’t stop, won’t stop.” Goodbye straight-A student, hello Miley Cyrus. Suddenly, your tongue refuses to stay in your mouth and you’re in a nude leotard twerking on a 40-year-old man in front of millions of peo — actually, nah. You wouldn’t take it that far, even while blackout drunk. Aside from dressing up like a sexy teddy bear, check out 22 self-destructive things you can’t stop your drunk self from doing. We don’t judge — unlike many disturbed VMA viewers.

1. Pre-gaming too hard. Always.

2. Convincing your friends that “coats are for the weak.”

3. Sending a Snapchat with the caption “I can’t eel my café” that instantly becomes the new cover photo in you and your friends’ GroupMe thread.

4. Making your Snapchat story 30+ seconds long (every 10 second video is the same, dammit).

5. Reorganizing your phone apps. Where the hell your Uber app went, the world may never know.

6. Peer pressuring friends and strangers alike to “get on your level.”

7. Saying things like, “get on my level.”

8. Deciding this is the time to approach “The Girl.”

9. Bumping everyone up two points on the Would Do Scale.

10. Punctuating someone’s story with a nonsensical, “That’s what she said!”

11. Hitting on your friends and other inappropriate victims (your roommate’s sister will never visit again, man).

12. Taking PDA to new levels.

13. Initiating dance battles that you, of course, lose.

14. Trying to start chants. “U. S. A., U.S.A!” never catches on, but frat guys everywhere remain hopeful.

15. Cutting everyone in line for your eighth pee break.

16. Getting too honest with the host about how shitty the party was during your goodbye.

17. Eating all the snacks in your room, including your roommate’s.

18. Ordering a stupid amount of Domino’s.

19. Tipping the delivery guy so freakin’ much you’re basically a drunk Bill Gates.

20. Vomiting on your own carpeted floor.

21. Passing out with no shits given about hygiene.

22. Doing essentially the same thing next weekend, because you’re a monster who gives no f—cks.