According to every radio station, Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving. One of the best parts about the holiday season is the cheerful music that lingers everywhere. By the time Christmas actually arrives, you’ve once again memorized every holiday song known to man. Yes, 95 percent of those jingly tunes are classics, but there are definitely a few that suck.
1. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
This song makes the death of the narrator’s grandmother seem okay. It’s as if the hoof-filled accident described in such a happy tone allows nothing but laughter. I mean, Grandpa is doing just fine, he doesn’t seem to sulk once while he drinks beer and watches football, and the biggest concern in the song is whether or not the family should open their gifts or send them back. This song is actually pretty morbid.
2. “Christmas Tree” by Lady Gaga
We all know Lady Gaga is an odd human, but this song is just wrong. Apparently she wants someone to light her up when she’s “on top” so that they can “falalalalalalalala.” She then proceeds to tell you that the only place you want to be is underneath her Christmas tree. Kids (and everyone), plug your ears. No one wants to envision a “hoo-ha” as a tree. To save you all from further lyrics, the song is basically about her wanting to “spread” Christmas cheer—quite literally.
3. “Christmas Shoes”
What kind of person wants to ruin the happiness of the season with a depressing song? “Christmas Shoes” tells a story about a little boy that tries to buy his sick mother a pair of shoes before she dies. Well, that’s surely going to keep a smile on someone’s face. One minute you’re jamming out to “Run Run Rudolph,” and before you know it, you’re crying hysterically and remembering every sad memory from your childhood. Thanks, “Christmas Shoes.”
4. “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”
The very strange lady in this song doesn’t want a doll or a “dinky tinker toy;” only a hippo will do. She explains how it would be more convenient for Santa because he can bring it through the front door, and then she tells us about the massage she is going to give the hippo in the garage. So. Creepy. I don’t want a hippopotamus OR this song for Christmas.
5. “Santa Baby”
The incredibly annoying singer includes the following in her Christmas list: a Sable, a light blue ’54 convertible, a yacht, a platinum mine, a duplex, checks, decorations bought at Tiffany’s and a ring. I don’t know about you, but my Christmas list never sounded so obnoxious. This song is an injustice to women. Do we really seem that needy and annoying? It’s not even the items on the list that annoy me most; it’s the way she asks Santa for them. She throws in the word “baby” after his name as if she’s trying to seduce him. “Come and trim my Christmas tree,” really? Plus, I’m sure Mr. Claus is tired—he has a busy night as it is, and the last time I checked, he’s married.
If the dead grandma song, the perverted Christmas tree song, the sob-fest shoe tune, the strange hippo crave or the superficial, materialistic yacht-loving song really gets you in the Christmas spirit, you do you. But if you are like me, you’ll ask for earplugs this year.