Clinton v. Trump is officially on, America. Get ready, because this shit show of an election season still has over three months left. Feeling at loss because no one deserves your vote? Fret not, because we only need to dive into works of fiction to find 10 superior presidential hopefuls that make us feel at ease about the 2016 presidential election.
1. Leslie Knope
We can all agree that Leslie Knope became president by the end of Parks and Rec, ambiguity of the finale aside. Her charisma and passion for doing right and what no one else can would drive her into the history books as not only the nation’s first female president, but also as one of its best. I’m, like, 99 percent sure her first act in office would be to make waffles free for breakfast, and that alone vaults her ahead of her competition. I haven’t heard Hillary Clinton say anything about free breakfast…
Be a fantastic president, Yoda would. Known as peaceful diplomats, we wouldn’t need to worry about starting pointless wars under a Jedi’s presidency. And if the USA were attacked, Yoda could use Jedi Mind Tricks to stop the fighting and peace would ensue. He would also be our first green president. #Diversity, amirite?
3. Captain America
Ignoring the most recent run of Cap comics, Steve Rogers makes an ideal patriot. He grew up as a scrappy underdog in the streets of New York City and worked his way to becoming one of the Marvel universe’s most formidable heroes. He’s a true American, through and through. The dude punched Hitler on the cover of his first appearance. I mean—damn! Talk about an entrance. Maybe on the next cover he can punch Donald Trump.
The world’s greatest detective can now be the world’s greatest leader. Batman is cunning, intelligent, strong willed, fearless and powerful. He’s the de facto leader of the Justice League of America, so he would slide seamlessly into his new role as president. With Superman as VP, no one would dare f—k with the USA. And, at the very least, I’m pretty sure Batman can keep his emails more secure than Clinton.
5. Darth Vader
Trump is basically Darth Vader, sans The Force. Who needs to build a wall when you can have a Death Star? Sure, ol’ Vader was a murderous Sith Lord, but on the inside of the robotic suit he was just a whiny kid stuck in an old man’s burnt-to-Hell body. Like Vader, Trump is just a whiny kid stuck in an old man’s orange body. They’re very similar candidates, but choose the whiny kid with a lightsaber who also has 20-plus years of experience ruling a galaxy. Campaign slogan? “Join me and together we can rule the country!”
6. Dwight K. Schrute
“I pledge allegiance to the flag of beets, bears, Battlestar Galactica.” Sure, Dwight might hurt a few members of his cabinet with his various nunchucks and katana while he in office, but he’s really a decent guy on the inside. Just overlook that one time he almost burnt down the office. Or trapped a bat around Meredith’s head. Or when he stuffed Angela’s cat in the freezer. Okay, sure, so you gotta warm up to him, but he’s soft and loveable on the inside. Think of the pair he and good friend Michael Scott would make in the Oval Office. Hilarious yet strong leadership inbound.
7. Lisa Simpson
Lisa is destined to be president. She constantly outsmarts others, challenges societal norms and pushes herself and others to push their limits and strive for more. Sounds like a mighty fine president, if you ask me. However, we’ll need to lower the minimum age requirement for presidents because she’s perpetually stuck as an eight-year-old, which is still older than Donald Trump acts.
8. Atticus Finch
Let’s ignore Go Set a Watchman for a bit, m’kay? (Preferably, let’s ignore it until the end of time.) Atticus Finch stood for truth, justice and integrity during a time when the country was in turmoil due to racial tension, much like today. He supported victims of prejudice and defended those who wronged by the biases of society, making him an ideal leader in a time when our country needs an impeccably moral leader. I’m not sure if anyone has described Clinton or Trump as an “impeccably moral leader.”
9. Mickey Mouse
Mickey Mouse has tried to get elected to one form of office or another since the 1932 New York City mayoral elections. I think it’s about time we cut him some slack and elect him president. Let’s make history this year and elect the world’s first mouse president. It would be a move both stupidly liberal enough to get support from the left and just crazy enough to get support from the right. And who wouldn’t want to White House to be moved to Cinderella’s Castle in Magic Kingdom? We’ll also get Goofy as VP and Donald as Speaker of the House. Make it happen, ‘merica.
10. Daenerys Targaryen
The Mother of Motherf—king Dragons. Need I say more? #Dany4Prez2016