You’re back on campus. You’re ready to take over (again). You’re MORE than ready to destroy your roommates in pong—you’ve been practicing since mid-May. It’s time to bump up the playlist you’ve been working on all summer, put on your fav tank and show campus what you’re made of. Except, wait, there is that little thing called “class.” Hey, why not just blow it off? Here’s why syllabus week is useless, anyway.
Your first impressions mean nothing
Literally any professor you ask will tell you they don’t care what you do on the first day of class. So go ahead—walk into your 12-person senior seminar with guns blazing, shutter shades on and be prepared to make a totally horrific first impression. Your new prof won’t even notice your Cooler Than Thou ‘tude; they know their time isn’t valuable. Might as well show it.
Your first classes are basically free
Pay no mind that the average cost for a course at a four-year institution is $3,000; This first week of classes is essentially a get-out-of-jail-free week. Literally, it’s free. In fact, all your meals this first week are free, too. Also your boarding costs. And your administration costs. And your… etc. etc.
You don’t have your books, anyway
Professors don’t expect you to go out and buy all those books the first week, right? Who do they think you are, a functioning student? No, you’re going to wait until the day before your first assignment is due to go “rent” the books from that kid down the hall freshman year who posted on the Facebook group three months ago about selling his chem texts—like any sane college student would.
You Hundo P have better things to do
Your buddy from Sig Ep has been practicing Mario Kart all summer, and he says he finally has the skills to take you down. You HAVE to beat him. Your high score is at stake. That’s obviously more urgent than your education.
You won’t learn anything, anyway
Nope, nothing. No professor in the history of all collegiate education has ever assigned a reading or a project during their first class. Look it up, it’s hidden somewhere in that textbook you haven’t bought.
You won’t make any big decisions, either
It isn’t like you can use this week to decide whether or not a class will be worth it. When add-drop comes around, the best plan of action is to just close your eyes and point at whichever classes you’re going to keep. Leave your schedule up to destiny, not anything unreliable like research and in-class experience.
You’ll always have other classes. You’ll never have other parties
That potential get-together you were invited to on Wednesday night? You can’t let that opportunity slip through your fingers. There will always be other classes to take, but once you graduate you’ll never have other dirty basement soirees to attend. Live while you’re young.
You’ll just use all those syllabi as fancy napkins
On Friday when you order 1,000 meatlovers pizzas with all your roommates and get prepped to throw down, you’re just going to use your new syllabi as a placemat to catch all the cheese and sausage. Who cares when the first midterm is? Not you. Enjoy that pizza. You earned it.
CM’s Guide to the French Major
