Hi, friend. I think you know why we’re all here. Don’t be upset, we just want to have a conversation. Don’t you think it’s time for us to talk about this? We’re all really worried about you.
We know from the colorful foliage and many muffins of your Instagram and Pinterest feed that fall is your favorite season. Really, we do. Your love of pumpkin spiced lattes and sweater weather is clear as a crisp autumn day. You say you love Halloween, too, but that’s where things start to get shady for us.
We know you’ve been very busy the past few Octobers—too busy, you say, to put time into picking out a great costume—but this doesn’t excuse your three-peat of the sexy cat, only interrupted once by dressing up as a sexy mouse. You’re not fooling anyone, friend. We all know those costumes are identical but for the ears.
Don’t try and deny it. The pictures are all over Facebook. And don’t try to defend yourself because last year’s costume got 87 likes. People are very loose with their likes these days, and you weren’t wearing pants.
When Halloween originated over 2,000 years ago, the Celts donned animal skins to avoid being possessed by demons or spirits that walked the earth on that fateful day. Seems fair enough. However, friend, your outfit—and you’re not alone—makes you seem a little less opposed to possession, if you catch my drift.
And that’s not what you want, right? No, we know you. You’re an interesting, fun, and 21st century lady. This is about helping you. We want you to know that you are above eyeliner whiskers and a low-cut black leotard. We also know you can do way better than hot pants cop, belly-shirt cowgirl and red-horns-with-matching-lipstick Satan.
When did this all start? In 2007 you made your own Optimus Prime costume armed with only cardboard and love. What happened to that girl? I know this is hard, but don’t worry, we’re going to bring her back, one tiny step at a time. There are a few simple markers in your recovery process. Let’s work through them together.
First, accept your dependence on overly sexualized, cookie cutter Halloween costumes and admit your own powerlessness against them. Don’t try and change right away. We know you love the simplicity and constancy of sexy cat. You can overcome this in due time.
You must come to believe in a Halloween power greater than yourself that can restore your sanity. Say, the many faces of Kristen Wiig. Make the choice to lay the fate of your future Halloweens in the capable hands of Gilly. You won’t regret this.
Next comes a good, hard look at the wrongs of your Halloweens past and an acute readiness to rid yourself of all the flaws within you that caused them. Make a list of all your wrongdoings and make amends. Apologize for your culturally insensitive, sexy Sacagawea costume. Admit you were wrong.
As you continue to meditate on yourself as a human being and active participant in this annual day of costumed fun, pray to the Target Lady, Aunt Linda and Dooneese for the strength to choose creative and funny over stereotypically skin-baring. After all this, even after sexy cat is far, far behind you, it will be your duty to tell your story to others like you.
So, friend, what do you say? You seem shocked, and that’s perfectly natural. Take some time to mull this all over, and when you’re ready to hit your closet and dig up a great costume, we’re all here for you.