10 John Mulaney Quotes that Got College Right

A lot of college students can probably say that they’ve spent many late nights curled up in bed watching John Mulaney’s stand up on Netflix. There’s a reason you keep coming back to it; most likely you see a piece of yourself in there. He’s sarcastic and biting yet incredibly emotional all at once. His jokes make sense once you get to college and have to put on your big kid pants. Sometimes it’s better to just take a break, kick back and laugh at the problems you’ve had to deal with in college.

Read on for a list of 10 John Mulaney quotes that you’ll be able to relate to now that you’re a college student.

1. “It is so much easier not to do things than to do them that you would do anything is totally remarkable.”

No matter how motivated you are in life, procrastination will always hit you like a train. Instead of doing your homework, you’ll find that you’ve accidentally binged five hours of Dance Moms. It’s just so much easier than biology. Once you’re doing the work, it’s not so bad — getting yourself started is the hard part. Falling into a YouTube hole is just so much more convenient.

2. “We made these big piles of clothes, we put the piles into these big boxes, then we put the boxes in the back of my car, and then they stayed there for four months.”

The first summer after college is really weird. Yes, you’re at home, but are you really? It feels like you don’t actually live there. All of your stuff just sits in boxes for the entire summer, because you’re just gonna have to pack it up anyway. Packing for your freshman year of college works pretty much the same way. You’ve dreamed your perfect dorm room and are so excited to get everything packed up. Once you get there, though, you’re too tired to unload anything. It’s okay, though. College will teach you how to live out of boxes.

3. “I was sitting up in bed a few weeks ago like [groans]… you know, life.”

College is the time when you actually start to feel like an adult. The day is entirely yours and there’s no one telling you what to do with it. While the week seems to drag on, there still never seems to be enough hours in a day. Life really hits you. So, sometimes you just gotta sit inbed and complain a little bit, because, you know, adultingand stuff.

4. “Look upon you sovereign, Petunia [Mulaney’s dog], and tremble. My lands stretch across the entire one bedroom and I eat dinner whenever I choose, as long as it works for the schedule of a dog.”

Your entire life is held within the four walls of a dorm room. It’s every moment you’ve ever cherished wrapped up into one space. You’re officially an adult — your own place, your own choices, your own everything. Except none of it matters, though, when you see a dog on campus. It’ll become the highlight of your entire month. The adult schedule that you made for yourself? Yeah, it doesn’t matter — especially not when you just found out there’s going to be puppies on the lawn. You’ll catch up to the schedule later.

5. “Just because you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting.”

In case anyone wanted to know what the exact feeling of a gen ed class: this is it. Of course, there are so many interesting options out there, but sometimes you have to suffer through a few just to get your degree. So, sure, physics. You’re correct — and technically a part of everything. That doesn’t mean I want to wake up at 6:30 every morning to learn about Newton’s Law, though.

6. “I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.”

Essays, midterms, student orgs and part time jobs — sometimes all you need is a break. College can be extremely overwhelming. That doesn’t mean you have to get sucked into it, though. It’s healthy to sit down and unwind every once in a while. Don’t worry about the essay right now, just pop a squatsomewhere and feed some birds.

7. “Ah, too old to be a duckling.”

It’s really weird watching tour groups walk around on campus. It feels like only yesterday you were in their place. However, when you really think back to it you realize just how old you really are. The high schoolers that walk across campus are wide eyed and excited whereas you barely made it out of bed thatmorning. Ah, how times have changed. You were once a naive little duckling yourself. College has taken you and turned you into a duck, though. So, quack it up.

8. “After [an embarrassing driving mistake] cars were pulling up and looking over… expecting to see like a 100-year-old blind dog, who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. Instead, they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best.”

Honestly, you experience some of your greatest lows while you’re in college. Whether it be due to stress or personal issues, life can really take its toll on you. It’s okay to feel down every once in a while. You don’t have to have the weight of the world on your shoulders in order to have a certified bad day. All you have to do is be your best — even if that means you have to scream and cry in your car to make it through the rest of the day.

9. “He was talking, and I was waiting for him to be done so I could talk.”

Ice breakers are miserable and are one of the worst ways to get to know a person. Well, at least they feel pretty miserable when you don’t know anyone at your college orientation. Usually, you just sit there and nod along while planning what you’re going to say instead of listening. You just don’t want to look like an idiot. So, you just pretend you’re paying attention until it’s your turn to talk about the color that best represents you.

10. “How dare you clap for the worst financial decision I ever made in my life.”

No, college will not be the worst financial decision you’ll make — hopefully not by far. You’ll have some of the greatest memories you couldn’t trade for anything on your college campus. But as you walk across that stage to receive your diploma, you can’t help but think of all the money you put into that little sheet of paper. Don’t worry, it’s all worth it in the end.