Why We’ll Never Ever Ever Be Together

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*THIS IS SATIRE. I SWEAR I’M REALLY A NICE GUY*

Look babe, it’s just not going to happen. Stop crying and listen up. I think you’re awesome. It’s just…well, we’re not going to work out. Seriously, calm down, I need to explain this to you. I’m not going to sugarcoat it: I don’t think we’re compatible in the slightest. If you really want to know why, chances are it’s because of at least one of these things:

1.) My name is Don Draper

I’m just too awesome in every conceivable way for you. I have the ego to say things like that with a straight face and know in my heart that it’s 100 percent true. Don Draper’s only loves are smoking, whiskey and a good pitch. Women? Yeah, they’re nice distractions. But I can’t possibly only have one. So make like Betty and run along.

2.) I’m afraid you’re going to Taylor Swift me.


I know you well enough to have a strong suspicion that, if we dated and it went badly, there’s a solid chance you’ll write a song about me. That’s enough of a reason to abort this operation before it starts. I’m sure our time together would be special, but I don’t want to become another pluck of your guitar strings.

3.) You’re a little much for me.


We’ve been on two dates, yet you text me 24/7, like all my Facebook posts and look disturbingly like that Overly Attached Girlfriend meme. I get the feeling that, in the words of The Social Network’s Erica Albright, “dating you is like dating a StairMaster.” It would be an emotionally exhausting experience and I think it’s best that we just leave it to our imaginations.

4.) I’m not a huge fan of the concept of dying young.


Life is short. I know I make your heart beat to the beat of the drum, and having you hear in my arms is fun and all. But I’m not planning on pulling an inevitable Ke$ha and dying young. That means I’m really not looking for a fling or friends with benefits or anything that doesn’t involve me calling you my girlfriend. Unless you want to get serious, I’ll see you around.

5.) There’s just nothing here.


I love spending time with you. That’s what every girl wants to hear, right? No? Then I’m clearly just not as smitten with you as you are with me. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but I’d rather be honest about my feelings than lead you on anymore. But buck up champ: now that I’ve set you free, you can go forth and find someone who can return your love. He won’t be as cool as me, but then again, who is?

Photo: at J-14

Junior > Journalism > University of Maryland

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