I’m all about the “turn up,” “getting weird” and “going hard in the paint.” As a seasoned veteran in the art of doing all of the above with minimal embarrassing consequences (everyone has their nights), I’m here to share some of my expertise with you. You can thank me later by taking a shot in my honor.
Don’t Drink the Juice
I know I sound like your mother, but the omnipresent threat of roofies and drugged drinks will never go away. This year alone, I’ve heard of two isolated incidents where people have consumed mixed drinks that were spiked with the recently extremely infamous Molly. Just avoid drinks from other parties at all costs; drink before you get there or bring a water bottle of your own and never let it out of your sight.
“Beer before Liquor…”
Never been sicker. It’s kind of true. Beer is heavy; it makes you bloated and sits on your stomach. All of the yeast and wheat hitting your liver and stomach followed by the pounding of sugary flavored vodkas and other hard alcohols makes for a poor combination. Even so, if I’m being completely honest, I’ve only gotten sick because I’ve alternated back and forth between the two kinds of alcohol. Simply put, stick to either beer or hard liquor, or suffer the vomit-filled consequences.
“Who do you know here?”
The amount of times I’ve been asked this question have only served as fuel for me to ask the same question to each and every freshman-looking girl who walks into my house. That being said, you will be asked this question at least once in your college career, so you better have an answer ready. Even if it’s, “Oh that guy with brown hair? He’s in my psych class. Um I forget his name?” Just have something prepared before you walk inside.
“Boot and Rally”
I can’t even. This is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard thrown around, and I hear it thrown around a lot, especially in terms of people exclaiming it with pride. If you throw up, you clearly have had too much to drink and you need to just go to bed and spend the entire next day on Netflix while eating a bagel. Don’t boot and rally. Ever. Boot and go to bed.
The “Beer Jacket”
If you wear a coat out, it will get stolen. Take advantage of your alcohol induced raised body temperature and leave your extra layers of clothing at home.
The Drunk Text
There’s an app for that (it’s called Drunk Dial NO, and yes, I have downloaded it). A simple 99 cent purchase that disables you from being able to text or call phone numbers of your choice after a certain time on the weekend unless they contact you first. If only I had discovered this life saving device from the get-go. Some of my personal favorite outgoing texts has been: “ILY,” “help me” and “I’m sobbing. I hate men.” Do yourself ten favors and shut your phone off after your second shot or just leave the thing at home.
Don’t go to the bathroom and pee with people you don’t know
You laugh but I’ve done this, twice. We awkwardly wave “hello” to each other on campus. Kill me. I’m not telling you to go alone because it’s kind of the unwritten rule of feminism that a girl never goes in to the bathroom solo. Just never go in to a bathroom with a stranger.
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