Here is a playlist of the least subtle mood setting tunes available. You can’t get past the title without realizing that these babies cut straight to the chase and leave little (or no) room for doubt about what your date has in mind. Some of them are even instructive. Whether you put this list to good (bad?) use or head for the door at the opening chords is no business of mine.
Let’s Get It On – Marvin Gaye
Your hint: “Stop beatin’ ‘round the bush. Let’s get it on.”
Marvin Gaye is the master of this brand of up front mood music. If you hear his smooth voice crooning through the speakers, you should know exactly what’s up. For more un-subtle Marvin, see: Sexual Healing
Touch My Body – Mariah Carey
Your hint: “Touch my body, throw me on the bed.”
This well-known Mariah Carey song might be one you’ve heard but never really listened to. Have a closer listen and you’ll find Mariah has no qualms with telling you exactly what she wants. Coyness is not what she’s going for.
In Those Jeans – Ginuwine
Your hint: “Looking good, plenty tight, is there any more room for me in those jeans?”
If the plucky R&B guitar opener wasn’t a big enough clue, Ginuwine flat out asks if he can literally fit into your jeans. He’s not giving up even though he knows they’re plenty tight.
Naughty Girl – Beyonce
Your hint: “Feelin’ kinda nasty, I might just take you home with me.”
It’s pretty obvious by her tone that Beyonce is more than just considering taking you home. She’s taking you, and not just to play Apples to Apples either (at least not at first. She might like to do that later, though. Who’s to say?)
I’ll Make Love To You – Boyz II Men
Your hint: I really don’t think you need the hint. You know. You just know.
Don’t let the z in Boyz or their unexpected use of roman numerals distract you from the reality of the situation: they will make love to you. No ifs, ands or buts. However, the use of this singular pronoun raises some numerical questions about the boyz and how exactly they think this is going down, but that is a logistical issue that can be worried about later…
Bed – J. Holiday
Your hint: “Girl, change into that Victoria’s Secret thing that I like. Alright, okay.”
You may not know who J. Holiday is, but you probably heard this song in 2007 when it topped the charts and played uncomfortably on the radio while you were driving with your parents. It was uncomfortable for a reason. J. Holiday is not shy about letting you know his thoughts about this bed, and they don’t have a lot to do with sleep.
Neighbors Know My Name – Trey Songz
Your hint: “Bet the neighbors know my name, they be stressin’ while we sexin’.”
I can say nothing for Trey Songz’ modesty, but I can say that if even his neighbors can tell what’s going on, you’ll should probably catch on, too.
Candyshop – 50 Cent
Your hint: You don’t need this hint. You know.
Point blank sex requests are not limited to only smooth sultry singers with their sexy instrumentals and rainsticks, dear reader. 50 makes them too, and in a twang that may (or may not…) be impossible to resist.