On Sunday night, amidst the screaming and shouting over whether Alabama or Oklahoma State deserved to play the Louisiana State Tigers in the BCS Championship game, there was another egregious crime at hand.
Paul Hoolahan, chief executive officer of the Sugar Bowl, selected Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University (As an ardent Hokie hater, I will only address the university by its formal and ugly name) to face Michigan in the Louisiana Superdome on Jan. 3. Why? Because they’ll allegedly bring more fans and money to Hoolahan’s pockets.
In today’s Washington Post, Sally Jenkins takes Hoolahan out to the shed and tans his hide for the moronic selection:
“Hoolahan will rake off something in the neighborhood of $600,000 in salary and bonuses this year for defrauding college football fans who expected the Sugar Bowl to present the best available game. Instead he awarded bids to No. 13 Michigan and No. 17 Virginia Tech based, it appears, purely on debts and favors owed. It mattered not that at least five other teams had stronger competitive claims.”
Ah, to be a jerk off bowl executive. With the oodles of cash they make and important decisions they always seem to mess up without repercussions, I bet life is easy. I guarantee Hoolahan spends his days peeing on the floors of his home like he lives in the penthouse penthouse, burning food stamps and lathering up his body in caviar just because he likes the feeling. And he probably does all of this while trolling college football fans on the Internet.
A boy can dream, right?
Anyway, because of Hoolahan’s decision, worthy teams like Boise State, Kansas State, Baylor and TCU are left to sell their bodies on the corner for less desirable suitors, a.k.a. the Las Vegas Bowl, the Poinsettia Bowl and the Alamo Bowl.
It’s certainly not the dregs of bowl season (I’d rather rip off my toenails than go to Birmingham, Ala., for the BBVA Compass Bowl. Have fun Pitt!); but knowing your team notched ten solid wins and a BCS bowl berth was stolen from you in a manner akin to waking up in an ice bath without kidneys, is probably pretty disheartening.
If you couldn’t gather from that rhetoric, I’ll put it plainly: The Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University Hokies do not deserve to be in the Sugar Bowl.
They slugged their way through a lame ACC schedule without beating a team ranked in the final BCS top 25. They also got hammered by Clemson.* Twice. Once at home and then was bludgeoned in the ACC championship game, perpetuating their nickname as the Virginia Tech Chokies.
If you’re Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University, you shouldn’t apologize for the idiocy of others. If you’re Frank Beamer, you should smile, nod and jiggle that weird neck growth of yours. He couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas gift.
So thanks, Hoolahan. Thanks on behalf of Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University fans everywhere. Thanks for furthering the "BCS is a joke" argument. And thanks for being an inspiration on behalf of all of us who hope to be rich and irresponsibly wield power one day. Irresponsible in that you picked the wrong team to play in your game and enraged millions of college football fans, and irresponsible in that you probably pee on your floors.
*Note on Clemson: Clemson is also a decidedly mediocre football team. If your team struggled to beat the Maryland Terrapins this season, you are not very good.