How to Open Presents if Your Goal is to Make Everyone Hate You

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It’s 11 a.m. on Christmas morning, and the lame music your mom insists on playing every year (that you secretly love) fills the air alongside a bevy of other holiday sounds: kids screaming outside as they pelt each other with snowballs, jingling bells with no source and above all, the crunching of wrapping paper. For every amazing present, there’s bound to be at least three horrible ones that will make you wish you were a holiday hating hermit with no family or friends. Here’s the ultimate guide to unleash your inner diva after every crappy gift you get.

1. Scream

Channel your inner diva, throw your head back and let it out. The more ear splitting the better. Really let the other person know just how much you despise their gift. After all, honesty is the best policy.

2. Water it like a plant

Plants tend to die if you overwater them. Never mind the fact that the downright creepy stuffed bedbug from your aunt isn’t living… or a plant. Maybe if you soak it, it’ll die in the watery grave it deserves and you’ll have a good excuse to get rid of it other than “it’s butt ugly and I hate it.”

3. Throw it aside

…and immediately say, “Alright, moving on.” Make sure to ignore the hurt look on the other person’s face as you toss the stupid long johns nobody would ever want over your shoulder. Bonus points for “accidentally” hitting them in the face.

4. Scoff

Throw in a loud “What the hell were you thinking?” and you’re good to go. You still have that mountain of boxes wrapped in lies to suffer through.

5. Use it as kindling

Hey, something’s gotta keep that fire burning. Nobody’s got the time or patience to go out and chop down a tree, and who wants to shell out money for one of those Duraflames? Put that picture dictionary from your Great Aunt Gertrude who clearly thinks you’re still five to use and keep your house nice and toasty this Christmas.

Valerie is a senior at the University of Washington, studying English/Creative Writing and History. She loves anything caffeinated, Netflix and long road trips. She'll always be obsessed with Once Upon a Time, Scandal, Private Practice and Agents of Shield.

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