Since the dawn of time, males and females have…well, you know. They’ve engaged in the dance with no pants, bumped swimsuit parts, taken rides on the merry-go-round and then taken rides on the Mary who ‘goes around.’ We all ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so we humans do it like they do on the Discovery Channel– except we usually use protection. True story.
For almost 400 years, condoms have been used by mankind to limit a variety of unfavorable results, such as STD’s or a case of the babies—unless you’re Ash Ketchum, you really don’t wanna catch ‘em all. In an effort to prevent these outcomes, people resorted to a technique known as “pulling out.” But, 99 times out of 100, this measure hardly proved successful. Were a man to successfully pull out, he may be pulling out a strain of syphilis along with his ‘Mini (insert name of male lover).’And so, in some ancient civilization a long time ago, the first condom was created out of animal intestine (presumably the Egyptians were the first to devise this device). As you may imagine, having intercourse with one of these condoms was probably as pleasuring to the male as getting touched by a gloved hand is to an iPad.
While they started off thick—the condoms, that is; not the ‘bananas’ they go on—over the years they would start to thin, now often being branded by companies like LifeStyles or Trojan as “ultra thin.” While we’re definitely light years away from them being as thin as the air that surrounds a naked male or female reproductive organ, they’ll have to do (while you do, if you get the drift) for the time being.
But how are these— as the great, insane Marla Singer once put it— “glass slipper[s] of our generation” made?
Believe it or not, Santa’s workshop has absolutely nothing to do with the making of condoms. After all, when one is naughty, he or she receives a lump of coal for Christmas. Of all the things Santa is, he definitely isn’t a hypocrite. He and the elves wouldn’t endorse risky business; that’s the job of the Billy Bob “Bad Santa” Thorton and Tom Cruise. See what I did there?
While we’re not entirely sure that showing you how condoms are made will either increase or decrease interest in safe sex, College Magazine figures it’s best to know what it is you’re putting on your Johnson or in your…Mrs. Johnson? Plus, small, relatively trivial facts like how condoms are made can always be put to good use as icebreakers at a bar or biology class.
Below is a video of the condom making process, uncut and unrated. If you’re into machines getting all oiled up and slick, this is just the video for you. And if that doesn’t float your boat, you should still check it out for the surprise cameo at the ending.
April Fool’s came early—made you look! There was no cameo. But now you know how exactly condoms are made (the basic condom, that is—all of those ones with nodules and kinky stuff on the exterior probably requires a much longer, arduous process…thus resulting in a longer video) and maybe, just maybe, you’ll appreciate the contemporary “glass slippers” before you slip one on and get it on.