When I think “etiquette”, the first things that typically come to mind range from chivalrous door-opening to courteous thank-you notes; from the no-elbows-on-the-table rule to that necessity of placing the dinner napkin on your lap; from chewing with your mouth closed to keeping your voice down in public settings. But what, pray tell, are the strictures and rules that govern one’s behavior at fraternity parties? In essence, what defines fraternity party etiquette?
If I were a fraternity boy, I believe that my thoughts on this customary college ritual would sound something like this:
During Drinking Games:
- The faster I chug this can of beer, the more likely it is that girls will want to sleep with me.
- If I drink more than should be humanly possible in a two-hour period, I will look cooler and frattier than all of my other frat bros… and I will therefore be more likely to find girls who will sleep with me.
- The more cups I land in beer pong, the more likely it is that girls will want to sleep with me.
- The faster I can chug my beer and flip my cup, the more likely girls will want to be my partner in flip cup… which is directly proportional to their likelihood of wanting to sleep with me.
At the Keg:
- Everyone needs to move out of my way because this is my fraternity so I get first dibs on the keg.
- The beer isn’t coming out, you say? Since you’re a hot girl I would like to sleep with, let my gentlemanly side manifest itself as I pump the keg for you.
- If I don’t know you and the tap is in my hands, I’m most likely not going to be as generous.
- “I will usually take control of the tap, but I’ll fill it up for a few girls and friends only first, depending on my level of thirst. Then I’ll fill my cup (full, of course) and pass it along.” –University of Michigan senior
- Did you see my new room? This actually means, “would you like to come upstairs to my bedroom and sleep with me?”
- Can I give you a house tour? Translation: I’ll show you the staircase, hallway, and we will end the tour in my bedroom where I’ll try to sleep with you.
- I have Grey Goose upstairs… When a girl makes mention of how Smirnoff vodka makes her want to vomit or gives her an awful hangover, this is our go-to phrase. In reality, I just filled up an old Grey Goose bottle with Popov before the party, but I think the idea of having an expensive bottle of vodka upstairs will entice you to come so I can sleep with you.
And that is what your average fraternity boy perceives to be the tenets of the highly complex fraternity party etiquette: drinking, dranking, drunking… and, if the night goes well, waking up next to a girl whose name has slipped your mind and currently hides somewhere among the stash of last night’s cross-faded memories. TFM.