A Foolproof Guide to Finding a Date by Valentine’s Day

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Obnoxiously fluffy teddy bears holding heart shaped pillows invade your favorite department stores, cards that say “Be Mine” fill the shelves and every florist stocks up on carnations. That’s right, it’s time for Valentine’s Day. If you’re single, it’s time to find a date for the big night.  Wondering how to find someone with a pulse to agree to dinner?

1. Buy a Puppy

Florida State University junior Sarah Grove said her dog helped her land her current boyfriend. “One time when I was walking to my car, my dog saw a squirrel and made me drop all of my books as he pulled me after it,” Grove said. “I dropped the leash, but then this guy materialized out of nowhere and chased him down for me. We’ve now been dating for six months.” But if the person of your dreams does not jump up and claim you immediately, at least people go out of their way to say “Aww!” Just pretend they’re talking about you instead of the dog.

2. Try a Dating Site

Contrary to what your mother says, sometimes the key to finding love is by staying inside on the computer. Swallow your pride and make a profile on one of the mainstream websites like Tinder or Bumble. If those aren’t working out, try a site tailored to your interests and romantic inclinations like Mulletpassions.com, Farmersonly.com or Paranormaldate.com. “I went on the Paranormaldate.com website to try to find someone with similar beliefs to my own,” FSU senior Joseph Mason said. “Knowing that there are people out there like me made me feel more normal.” On the Internet, there’s a fellow for every fetish and a woman for every whim, so get clicking!

3.  Join a Presidential Candidate Support Group

It’s election year and relationships can get tense between mixed Republican and Democrat couples. Joining a club that promotes your preferred presidential candidate is a great idea, especially during election season. That way you know your date’s political ideals before you commit to Valentine’s Day with them. FSU junior Brianna Burley wouldn’t be happy if she found her date planned on voting for Donald Trump. “I would tell him ‘you’re fired from this date’ and then abruptly leave,” Burley said.

4. Meet Someone the Old Fashion Way

Go to a nightclub the evening before Valentine’s Day. The smell of tequila, Juicy Couture perfume and desperation will hang thick in the air and you’ll definitely be among a crop of winners without a date for the following night. There are just two things you need to remember: Don’t cry about your ex when a Taylor Swift song comes on and don’t set your standards too high.

5. Hit the Gym

While it’s probably too close to Valentine’s Day to actually see an improvement in your physique, going to the gym to find a date isn’t a horrible idea. Endorphins course through people’s veins. They’re feeling sweaty and vulnerable and if you talk to them long enough they’ll probably agree to anything so they can go home and take a shower. If you’re not sure what area of the gym to hit up, try the track. Target the walkers because they’re easy to access and obviously not trying too hard.

6. Pull a Cady Heron

Most of us have seen Mean Girls, the cultural icon of our generation. When Cady wants a piece of Aaron Samuels, she pretends to not understand her calculus in order to get him to tutor her. Find that cute guy or girl in your class, sit next to them and ask for help studying for your next exam. This is the one time in your life when you should think: What would Lindsay Lohan do? We’re not suggesting you actually fail your class; just feign a little ignorance in order to exploit someone for your personal gain.

7. Go Speed dating

The very idea of speed dating makes most Millennials lock themselves in their room with Netflix and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. We suck at one-on-one conversation and the idea of talking to 20-30 new people in rapid succession downright terrifies us. But think of it this way, speed dating is your free pass to make snap judgments about people without actually having to commit. You can tell a lot about a person by what information they reveal within the first few minutes of conversation. Not interested in Jerry the taxidermist who yodels each night? Great, he’ll rotate to your left in about 30 seconds.

8. Hang Out In A Coffee Shop

The cliché exists for a reason; coffee shops are inherently good hunting grounds. Not only are people who drink coffee inherently better people; they also (usually) enjoy conversation. Think of how many connections the gang made at Central Perk during the 10 seasons of Friends. Strike up a conversation with some hipster about their book about proper beard maintenance or the vinyl shop downtown. Throw in a soy matcha latte and you’re on your way to true Valentines love.

9. Finally Let your Grandma Set You Up

Your grandmother begged you for years to let her set you up with the “nice young man” from her church group. You said no every single time since he breathes like Darth Vader and looks remarkably like Martin Shkrelli, but you’re just desperate enough now to give it a try. He may not be the most attractive, and his personality will no doubt kill your soul, but at least you will have a date for Valentine’s Day. Besides you already have one mutual friend: your grandmother. Every great relationship starts that way, right?

10. Ask Out Your Crush

Most of you have someone you want to spend Valentine’s Day with, but you’re too afraid of rejection to ask. Valentines day is cheesy and Hallmark basically owns it but you don’t have to spend it with a Farmer from Farmer’s Only or some gym rat with seven brain cells. Take the leap, ask out the person you really like and don’t waste any more of your time. Who knows—maybe that special someone is too scared to ask you.

Carrie is a Junior Editing, Writing, and Media major at Florida State University. Lover of comedy, coffee, and corgis. She does a lot of things for the sole purpose of writing about them.

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