Crush Course: What Our College Crushes Teach Us

By  |  0 Comments

Ladies, college is the time to get things out of our system. Stay out later than we’ll ever want to again. Pierce body parts humankind’s never pierced before. And, of course, crush on people we have no intention of meeting at the altar. Dating in college gets rough—and when do we even have time to figure it out?

Check out the Sparknotes version of the guys you’re crushing on and dating in college.

The Intellectual

He wears Gregory Peck glasses. He looks like he knows his way around J. Crew. He actually understood Ulysses and he rereads A Christmas Carol every holiday. He’s bound to go to Oxford for grad school, earn a spot on the professor track and spend his forties going to posh cocktail parties and talking about how different life in “The States” was and why he’s never going back.

What you learn from him: You should really pick up a book more often. As you might hear, from him, “Your IQ called, and it wants you to stop watching Bachelor in Paradise.” (Ouch!) It’s time to look through Oxford’s course directory and start hard core studying for the GRE.

The Edgar Allen Poe Type

He always looks like he’s in mourning. He’s brooding and cerebral and sexy all at the same time. It’s confusing. He hates small talk and he doesn’t believe in best friends. But he’s irresistible.

What you learn from him: The color black doesn’t look great on everyone. You’ll take small talk over no talking any day (the no talking thing is losing its mystery.) Some kids shouldn’t read “The Raven” in middle school.

The Filmmaker

He’s always wearing a baseball cap…you’re actually convinced it’s glued to his head. He maps out his day like he’s storyboarding one of his shorts. He’s written an alternate ending to Casablanca. He doesn’t consider rom coms real movies. And he’s going to take you to see that disturbing foreign film, sorry.

What you learn from him: The Drama tab on Netflix exists. The “Male Gaze” is still a thing (his films can attest to that). Also, Casablanca is fine the way it is.

The Frat Boy

He owns more pairs of Sperry Topsiders than any mariner. He’s a bartender, a barista and he does some promoting on the side. He studies WAY more than you ever do and he has a brilliant idea for a start up. Now you just have to spend all of fall convincing your mom that he’s not like the dudes in Neighbors and that his ID was actually issued by the DMV.

What you learn from him: Don’t judge a book. Red cups aren’t recyclable. You gotta be more social.

The Wannabe Frat Boy

He’s surprisingly not as bright as his frat boy counterpart. He’s trying to make “litty” happen. He thinks secret handshakes are still cool and he hasn’t exactly mastered the chest bump.

What you learn from him: Some bodies were not made for bro tanks. Also, you might want to stay away from anyone who’s clearly a wannabe.

The Musician

He wears a lot of flannels. He has an opinion about every song in the “Top 50.” He’s written a tune about your eyes, but refuses to play it for you. He’s convinced that shaving his eyebrow to look like Charlie Puth’s will bestow upon him perfect pitch…wishful thinking.

What you learn from him: Flannels belong strictly on the men of Portland. You found the song he wrote about you and you really wish you hadn’t (it’s about a lot more than your eyes). You’re great at harmonizing…him, not so much.

Nevertheless, for better or for worse, we want a piece of all of these gents in Mr. Right. Am I right?

Chelsea Brandwein is a UCSB senior who will be graduating in June with a degree in Classics and Professional Writing. Ever since she was old enough to wrap her fingers around a pen and keep it upright, she has been writing. Between juggling her work as a student, a Resident Assistant and a researcher, Chelsea can be found jotting down witty dialogue or rom com story arc ideas; she hopes to one day become a screenwriter.

    Enter our Monthly Giveaway

    Win $100 for YOU & $100 for your student org. Sign up to enter our monthly giveaway.