After offering Netflix and chill dates to the entire female Tinder population, it can be a bummer to still find yourself alone on a Friday night. Guys, we get it! Dating is complicated and you never know which move will work. How are girls not flocking to you after you whistle, blatantly stare at their butts and just them generally uncomfortable? You think you’ve cracked the code after you get the phone number of the girl you cornered at your fav coffee shop. Unfortunately, read receipts tell you that you won’t be getting a text back at two in the morning. Good news, the mystery has officially been solved. CM found six fool-proof ways guys totally impress the ladies.
1. Know how to keep up a conversation
“We went to see a movie while he talked loudly throughout the whole thing, ‘calling’ everything to happen next in the movie. When he would guess it right, he’d do a frat point and yell ‘BOOM BABY.’ This happened throughout the whole movie.” -Tiffany Bell, Rasmussen senior
Why bother to show her your polite and considerate side, when you can show off your sixth sense and flawless catch phrases? Girls swoon when you make an entire theater of strangers hate your guts. Second date acquired. BOOM BABY.
2. Proudly compliment her at any time
“He asked me to ‘stand up and spin around’ for him in the middle of a crowded restaurant because I looked very pretty. When I refused, he continued to tell me why I should want to be someone’s trophy. He texted me later and told me he was surprised, because that routine usually works.”-Caly Bryan, Florida State senior
Every girl wants to be a trophy wife, period. Let her know as soon as possible that her dream career of being appreciated only for her appearance is in reach. She’ll be completely flattered that you think she’s so overwhelmingly beautiful that she must not have any sort of intellect behind it.
3. Show off your cooking skills
“A kid I knew from high school told me he ‘enjoyed my rear end’ and asked for my number. When I told him no, he offered to make me a cake in exchange. “-Sydney Wilson, Florida State senior
Nailed it. Every girl loves a guy who can work it in the kitchen. Never mind that you’re making it obvious you are only giving her attention because of her killer bod. She gets a cake, you get her phone number. It’s a win-win, really.
4. Do anything to win her over
“A guy once told me, ‘I will pay your bills and buy your groceries, you won’t have to do a single thing if you just let me roll with you.’ I thought to myself, ‘I have finally made it.’”-Jenna Cartwright, University of Central Florida senior
Offering money for her affections shows perseverance, rather than desperation and borderline prostitution. Don’t let her get it twisted by thinking you’re offering her a position as a hooker. She’ll applaud you and your obviously impressive finances by immediately promoting you to new beau.
5. Make her notice you
“This guy always came in late during lecture and would make lots of noise. Then he followed me to my next class, said he had been watching me and asked for my number so we could go out sometime. I didn’t even know his name.”-Ann Mills, University of Florida graduate student
Just get the girl to acknowledge your existence, even if you have to be a bit loud and stalker-y. In the art of peacocking, the male peacock shows off his best assets in order to attract the female. Definitely show off how tardy, disruptive and creepy you can be to land that date. Simply irresistible.
6. Have a way with words
“When I was a waitress, a guy had the audacity to not leave a tip, but leave their number and a note saying ‘You are hot.’”-Tiffany Bell, Rasmussen senior
Short, sweet and to the point. Ditch the usual fairytale ending where a girl gets swept off her feet. A girl dreams of her prince charming riding on a horse, throwing rocks at her window only to hear him shout those three magical words, “You are hot.” She’ll be so touched; she won’t even notice you’re cheap and rude to restaurant servers.
Let’s recap on what we’ve learned here, fellas. Impressing a girl is not as simple as everyone thinks: you can’t just respectfully ask to take her out to dinner sometime and then show an interest in her life over spaghetti. Hate to break it to you, but it’s the truth. Don’t leave her appearance out of the conversation. Never act polite and chivalrous while out her and absolutely avoid treating her like a human being. Follow these tips, and you’ll definitely get a few heart emojis next to your contact name. Bro code honor.