There’s plenty of reason to believe that New Year’s resolutions are positive and uplifting and beautiful, but let’s face it, halfway through January you’ve forgotten the life-altering revelation you had 15 days earlier. Quite frankly, here’s why some of the most popular resolutions are just not going to work out (cynicism warning!):
1. Eat Healthier
This is probably the first to go. As the clock strikes midnight on January 1, you’re most likely several alcoholic drinks in, going hard on some potato boats and thus, already breaking the rules. Let’s not forget to mention you’ll need
to wash that New Year’s Eve hangover down with some bacon and a Sprite.
2. Stop Drinking Soda
Heh. What a crock of bull. Anyone who religiously drinks this wonderful blend of carbonation and caffeination knows that’s just not going to happen. By the way, did you know they use Coca-Cola to clean up blood and oil on the road after car accidents? Yeeeah… that one never really helped me to quit either.
3. Exercise More (Or at all!)
Are you noticing a trend here? The treadmill isn’t going to magically become an inviting wonderland of fun simply
because the calendar year has changed.
This one is always on the “I’ll do it tomorrow” list until a homeless man cusses and spits at you on the street and you decide to say to hell with homeless people all together.
5. Try Something New
This is simply a cop out because WE TRY NEW THINGS EVERY DAY, like finally getting the nerve to flip off that Hummer tailgating you (feels bizarre but good, doesn’t it?) or deciding it’s probably okay to pour that two-days-past-expired milk over your cereal.
6. Dress Better
This is all fun and games until you roll out of bed five snooze buttons too late and decide hygiene and appearance can be shifted to the bottom of the priority list.
7. Be Less Stressed
If it were physically possible to control stress, wouldn’t it be nonexistent in the first place?
8. Make Cool Friends
This is a tough one, seeing as you can’t try to make friends or else you’re that girl who invites strangers to her parties and bestows acquaintances with awkward gifts and cards on special occasions.
9. Spend Less Time Inside
It’s the 21st century. Who needs grass and clouds and birds when you’ve got iPads and computers and 40” flat
screens in your living room showing you what grass and clouds and birds look like? Is it just me or do those things look better in HD than in real life?
10. Live More
Really, could you possibly be any more vague? What does “living more” actually entail? A medical revelation in which doctors are able to pump more oxygen into your lungs? The world is already yours, take it.