Sequins and Smirnoff: Tales From Sorority Formal

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It’s hard to imagine that the Lululemon wearing, chai tea latte sipping sorority women innocently chatting in the campus coffee shop are the same women duck taping flasks to their inner thighs and spinning on the party bus stripper poles in dresses that scream “I look good on but I look great on the floor.” But that’s formal for you. Sticking that many intoxicated and well-dressed 20-year-olds under a strobe lit dance floor makes for one classy night of debauchery. Let’s just say the memories may be hazy, but the stories are hard to forget.

Dance like someone is watching

Five shots in and still managing to look sober enough to get past risk management. You go, girl. Unfortunately guys don’t have the same drunken poise that we possess. University of San Diego junior Business major said her date was no Patrick Swayze.“[He] wanted to ‘get low’ with his dance moves but instead he fell backwards and while catching him my shoe broke.” He was taking the song lyrics “face down, ass up” way too seriously.

Don’t hate the playa…Well, hate the player

‪Chances are you just made out on the dance floor as the DJ played remixes to the entire 50 Shades of Grey soundtrack, but that steamy love connection you’ve got cooking with your date may not be the makings of the next great American love story. At formal there’s a decent chance you’re not the only one on your date’s mind. USD senior marketing major, Kat Gacesa said, “My date got a sister’s number during the dance and was texting her while sitting next to me on the bus home, trying to get with both of us. God bless.” God bless is right and he may need to hope he’s not blessed with an STD with that attitude.

Bobbing for Apples

Sorority sisters spend weekends glamping (that’s glamorous camping for you GDIs) at sisterhood retreats while borrowing each other’s dry shampoo. Nights are spent huddled around campfires with no makeup and endless s’mores. With all that mandatory quality time you get real close real fast. You’ll know everything from your sisters favorite Starbucks order to her craziest sex stories. Boundaries disappear faster than cell service and those boundaries stay hidden even at formal. A senior USD Alpha Delta Pi sister said, “I walked in on a sister giving a guy head in the food room when everyone was out dancing.” Now that’s the making for one hell of a campfire story. Bon appetit.

Get the Geek to the Greek

Formal isn’t Dancing With The Stars, it’s grinding on a dark dance floor and hoping what you just bumped into was your dates wallet shoved into his front pocket. But USD junior English major Laura Tressal didn’t even make it to the dance floor before her blind date admitted that at 23 years old he wasn’t just a bad dancer, he had never been to a dance or even a college party. Now this isn’t anything against the kickback loving, Netflix binging, library lovers out there. But was he living under a rock? She said, “When we got to the venue, he asked me if I could teach him how to dance… What? No.” And if that isn’t mortifying enough, he went and got plastered at the bar (probably on a few very manly Shirley Temples).

Not so Magic Mike

‪Formal isn’t known for dance floors where you leave room for Jesus, but that doesn’t mean we’re bringing singles and makin’ it rain. USD sophomore business major Kelsey Nager told a story about her date’s killer moves, which included doing a back bend over a sister so that his feet were straddling her head and his face was near her feet. Then he hip thrusted her face and licked her foot. Btw, he was sober the whole time. Our poor parents never need to know…ever.

 Puking Patrons

 Sometimes a Tide To Go stick just won’t cut it when you realize chasing tequila shots by shot-gunning a beer isn’t one of your better choices. Shocking. USD freshman, Gabriella Sardina said, “[My] roommate came home mortified after her formal as she had watched her best friend in Gamma Phi get covered in vomit when her date threw up on her in the middle of the dance floor.” Hopefully one of his frat brothers was there to hold back his hair.

Stripper Poles and Sequined Hoes

 It wouldn’t be formal without a scandalous confession fit for any D-list Real Housewives celeb. For USD sophomore communications major Kayla Hyvonen that double take of a moment came when a gentleman revealed “that he was a stripper and made a lot of money.” And ladies if that doesn’t get you going it gets better. “He wasn’t only a stripper, he was a stripper at a gay bar because he claimed they made more money,” said Hyvonen. Hot damn, I bet he was one Jason Derulo song away from jumping up on the bar, ripping off his pants and letting his bedazzled thong talk dirty to the whole crowd.

Take me home tonight 

‪Oh are you Ashton Kutcher, or a young Channing Tatum? Wait, you’re just a stereotypical frat guy? Well then I think I’ll stick with my hunky military boyfriend (JK I’m way single). But that’s what USD junior Alpha Delta Pi Taylor Krebs told the drunken idiot who tried to pick her up at a formal not just once but three times. Which is shocking when she said he responded to her rejection with the heart melting, “Well he’s not here, so I don’t see what a night with me will hurt.” Unfortunately for this gent, her body tape wasn’t letting her dress fall to the floor that easily. But the best part was that she was a risk manager so he was real close to getting his ass sent home…alone.

 

 

I am currently a Sophomore at University of San Diego. Cheesy rom-coms are my addiction, beach yoga is my religion and getting on a first name basis with the cute barista is my goal. Going to school in San Diego is paradise and I never plan on leaving.

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