When you party every night and have the opportunity to hook up with some of the most beautiful girls in the country, would you choose to settle down? A state school brings together partying, football, academics and a large student population—which one would think offers a possibility of finding true romance. I, however, forgot that handsome and charming, state college men don’t wish to be anyone’s prince charming. I discovered this hopeless realization a few months after arriving at a college of over 40,000 people. At 18 years-old I thought I met the love of my life, while very drunk, on a Friday night.
At the time, I was meeting handsome, chiseled college men every night out at the local bars. I was young and felt the need to be surrounded by people constantly. Like many other 18-year-olds amidst my 40,000 peers, I was afraid of being alone. To cope, I drank heavily four days a week and constantly met different guys. However, I’ve always been a bit picky. Even if they were handsome, I strayed away if their personality did not match their looks.
Along with being notoriously picky, I was also a hopeless romantic. I craved to find someone who enjoyed my music interests and comical interests, while slightly buzzed. I always waited for “him” to text me. I always waited for “him” to invite me out for lunch. But the only texts I got were, “U up?” or “Are you out?” Naturally, these texts were all received at nighttime. But I didn’t pick up the pattern.
I just craved companionship and as a young, naïve hopeless romantic, I thought that nighttime was their only free time…so I accepted. But eventually, I began to realize they were using me.
I kept going out and drinking, avoiding the loneliness. And then one night, completely belligerent, I met a guy at one of my school’s notorious bars. The next morning, my friends pieced together last night’s events, elaborating on how well I got along with the guy I met. I saw a random number in my phone and decided to shoot him a text.
From there, we hung out sober and talked about life at a normal time in the day. He thought I was funny, and he didn’t ask to do anything that would make me uncomfortable; it was weird. This was not the state college I had grown accustomed to for the past 7 months of my life. From there, he texted me every day.
His constant conversation made me feel like he craved my companionship and it was satisfying. Hoping he would want to hang out again during the day, I started to navigate my schedule. I became a little infatuated. I mean, I’ll say it again, I obsessed over the idea of someone acting interested in me; I’m human for crying out loud. This was the first time, amidst thousands of people, where someone finally helped to ease my loneliness.
We hung out again and again at normal times, and my heart sunk.
This crush weighed heavily on my heart as we talked about real issues and not just bar lingo. The more and more attention I received, the more I accepted the heaviness. But, as most good things come to an end, especially love at a state college, he lost interest in me. He stopped asking me to hang out and hardly texted me anymore.
I’m not sure what I did. I blame myself, as I am my first culprit. But your friends say, “Oh, it’s not you it’s him!” But, how the hell will that idea make me feel any better? Harper Lee said it best in To Kill a Mockingbird, “You never really know a (wo)man until you understand things from his (her) POV, until you climb into his (her) skin and walk around in it.”
Was it my personality? Was I too needy? Did he think I wanted too much out of him? I still have the faintest idea. But, I did realize to stay true to your independence in college. Depend on yourself and no one else. Maybe I’m a bit brooding, but so what? I think I have the right after all the shit these damn college boys have put me through.
College encourages you to become intelligent in so many aspects—including the ability to assess people’s characters. I am still single today, with lost hope of finding love at a state school where the average man probably has an STD. But, do not worry as love is out there. Just don’t look for it at a bar while drunk on a Friday night.