How Not to Get an Internship

At one point or another in your college career, you’re going to start considering the big “I”—internships. I know: Groan Zone. With consequences like increased connections, depth of experience and maybe a little extra cash, who has the time to bother? If you’re looking to fill out a few apps to appease the ‘rents, but ultimately evade the horror, just follow these tips.

Narrow Those Horizons

A quick Google search of the top companies in your field from the top of your head followed by the word “internship” is enough to lead you to a few postings, so why keep digging? After all, your goal here to is avoid getting the job. With the hundreds (perhaps thousands) of competitors from schools around the country that are probably hitting up the same company, the odds are already stacked against you. Hit “submit” on the app for that Facebook marketing position and call it a day.

Stay in Your Comfort Zone

Phone calls are scary. Go-sees are scary. Asking around to your profs, advisors and current employers—all very intimidating. So just don’t do it. Keep your internship search confined to the comfort of your own bed as you send out a few half-assed email inquiries while binge-watching Friends on Netflix. Team Rosschel or team Mondler, you’ll thank me later. 

Do it On Your Own

You know yourself best, so don’t let anyone else speak for you. Sure, maybe that English prof you scored straight A’s with last semester has some connections in publishing or your engineering advisor has a few buddies over at Microsoft, but you don’t need any help climbing the ladder. You’re happy just hanging out on ground level until you can get yourself up there. We’re overdue for jet packs, anyway.

Avoid Outside Opinions

Forget four-letter words. I think we can all agree four-syllable ones are the worst. Pardon my French for just a moment: Criticism. You can unplug your ears now. Who needs that kind of potentially productive and insightful negativity? Your privacy and your pride are far too precious. Put together your resume and craft those cover letters completely on your own without enlisting the help of a second opinion. They should turn out… well, at least decent.

Don’t Look For Experience

C’mon, you’re a full time student. Of course you don’t have experience yet—that’s why people apply for internships, right? So don’t worry about joining clubs, working part-time jobs or applying for student government roles that might bulk up your resume and set you apart from your fellow novice applicants. You don’t want to come off as some kind of efficient, reliable overachiever that companies would love to have on staff. This is about sticking to the bare minimum, and a complete lack of involvement is just that. Plus, it gives you time to attend to your non-professional endeavors; that Beer Pong Champion record isn’t going to uphold itself.

Stick to these steps and you may not end up with a potentially career-building gig, but you’ll maintain your independence and your free time, and that’s the important thing…right?