It’s your Friday night at the end of a long, arduous week and you’re ready to turn up like there’s no tomorrow. Your roommate, friends from your study group and that kid you met in the sandwich line at the dining hall are blowing up your phone asking for the SOP (standard operating procedure) of the night. Luckily, you know a girl from chem that invited you to a “chill dorm room party” that definitely won’t get busted by the RAs. You even heard they had a handle of who even cares what because vodka is vodka and that’s the only way you’re getting a buzz. Before you begin your epic night that you won’t remember, remember these tips about how to “college.”
Never Ask, Just Grind
Girls appreciate guys who have the audacity to grind from behind without asking and before even seeing their face. The technique goes as follows: spot a girl seven feet away dancing with her friends, tell your boy that she’s the one, bop over to her and start moving your hips like Shakira as you interlock waists. This move is a surefire way to not only find a dance floor hook-up, but your soul mate.
Pre-game Really Hard
There’s nothing better than ripping shots without a chaser with your bros before an evening of epic adventure. Be sure to get as drunk as possible at the pre-game so you can ensure your suaveness at whatever party you stumble over to. Slurring your words and having no control of your limbs is the new sexy, so take advantage.
Play Beer Pong At All Costs
The coolest cat at every party is the guy who forces his way into a BP game because he “never loses.” Be that guy. Immediately call “next game” and cause a big enough scene when somebody tells you there’s a line, then try to cut to the front. If you somehow lose, everybody will understand because you obviously “weren’t warmed up.”
Take Control of the Aux Cord
Think the music is too turned down? Snag the aux cord ASAP. You’re a connoisseur of great party music, so throw on that Nickelback or Daughtry song and get the party started. If for some reason people complain and say they want rap music, put on “Lose Yourself” by Eminem because that is in fact what they meant.
Start a Mosh Pit
Mosh pits are literally the best ice-breaker. Who doesn’t love a bunch of dudes pushing each other in a circle for absolutely no reason? Get a couple of your best buds together and just start shoving. Soon, everyone will happily join in for one awesome time.
Fail an Attempted Shotgun
This past summer you learned how to shotgun a beer in less than three seconds, and you’re eager to show off your Olympic talent at a party. Immediately grab an ice-cold natty light from the mini fridge and yell “shotgun” at the top of your lungs. Wait until everyone is watching, poke a hole in the can and crack it open only to accidentally to tilt the can to the wrong side and spill out every last drop of beer onto the floor.
Pick a Fight
Easily the best way to flaunt your strength at a party is to pick a fight, preferably as a result of a drinking game. The next time you play flip cup, come at someone who has a bit of beer left in their cup when they flip it over, hopefully resulting in a physical altercation. Best-case scenario: You push a guy and then your bros hold you back because of how infuriated you are over the flip cup blunder.
I Ate Alone and It Wasn’t Weird
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