In my life, I’ve been told that I’m a lot like a mushroom. I’m a fun-gi.
It took me two full minutes to write that first sentence because I was laughing too hard to keep going. I’m the kind of person who will always pick the low-hanging fruit and make the best (or worst) jokes available. If you ask where something is, I’m going to say it’s “under there,” and so on.
It only feels right that I try to spread some of the happiness that these jokes have brought me. My only difficulty in putting together this list was trying to bring it down to just 50 jokes. I hope your friends and family are prepared to hear these jokes time and time again.
Here are some of my favorites, grouped by the best time to tell them.
These are your classic dad jokes. They’re the oldies-but-goodies. Anytime you want to cut the tension at the beginning of a class presentation, get a good laugh when you’re meeting someone new or spark a conversation, these are the go-to’s.
1. It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
2. What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
- *This is by far my favorite joke, and it’s great because you can use it twice every day without it ever getting old. (at least, I don’t think it gets old)
3. Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be bagels.
4. Orion’s Belt is just a huge waist of space.
5. I’m sorry. That last one wasn’t a great joke. I’d give it three stars.
6. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making head lines.
7. You know, I can cut wood just by looking at it. I didn’t believe it at first either, but I saw it with my own eyes.
8. You know why mountain ranges are so funny? Because they’re hill areas.
9. What’s the loneliest cheese? Prov-alone
10. What’s a pirate’s favorite cheese? Chedd-AAARRRRGGGHHH
11. Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? All that was left was de-brie.
- *Alright. That’s as cheesy as this list is going to get.
12. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye-deer
13. Why do scuba divers fall backward out of boats? Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
14. Why did the drum major get struck by lightning? Because she was a great conductor.
15. What is black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill
16. What’s black and white and laughing? The penguin that pushed him
- *These penguin jokes were borrowed from Hank Green, and for good reason. Everyone I’ve told them to in-person laughed, even they didn’t like them at first. Ari Swift, a Boston University sophomore, said, “This one made me groan, and then made me laugh. And I think that’s the best kind of joke.”
17. What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the rest are weak-days.
18. How do pirates sell corn? A buck-an-ear
19. What did the corn say when it got a compliment? Aw, shucks
20. What did Baby Corn say to Momma Corn? Where’s Pop Corn?
- *Get it? Because those last few were actually corn-y. … I’ll let you get back to the list now.
21. Why are koalas not considered bears? Because they don’t have the koala-fications
22. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
23. What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises. When do we want them? NEEEEEYYYOOOOWWW
24. Why do all chicken coops have two doors? Because if they had four doors, it’d be a chicken sedan.
Blunt and true. Sure, you could come up with plenty of funnier answers to the question, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” but who among us didn’t laugh the first time we heard, “To get to the other side,”? They’ll always get a laugh the first time you tell them. “Anti-jokes are a genre of their own. They’re so unfunny, so unexpected that they’re hysterical,” said Lydia Beyer – a named anti-joke aficionado by her peers.
25. Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it’s too far to walk
26. Why can’t a T-rex clap their hands? Because they’re extinct.
27. Two muffins are baking in the oven. The first muffin says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The second muffin says, “Ah! A talking muffin!”
28. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About halfway.
29. What’s E.T. short for? So he can fit on his spaceship
30. Roses are red, violets are blue. But roses can be many different colors, like orange, pink and yellow, and violets are actually more purple than blue, hence their name.
31. Two horses walk into a bar. A few people recognize the potential danger and exit.
32. Why was 6 afraid of 7? It wasn’t. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
- “This one is one of the best because it sets the listener up for the same old pun— ‘because seven ate nine’ — but then it brings the pun right back down to reality. It’s funny because it says something that is so painfully obvious,” said Beyer.
These jokes aren’t necessarily for all audiences, but when used correctly, they’ll get some of the biggest laughs. Tell these to your close friends or any middle schooler because, as we all know, anytime you mention poop, it’s funny.
33. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef, but no one can pee soup.
- “This is my favorite joke because it elicits such a visceral bodily reaction. You can’t help but squirm,” said Hannah Cuthbert, a junior at Boston University.
34. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl when it’s in the bathroom? Because the pee is silent
35. Knock knock. Who’s there? I eat mop. “I eat mop” who?
- *I don’t think I have to spell that one out for you.
36. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they’ve got big fingers
37. Do you know why there are 239 beans in every can of beans? Because one more would be too-farty
- *This one is only funny when you’re speaking with a St. Louis accent, but it’s a classic in the middle of the country.
38. What do you call someone who never farts in public? A private tooter
- *I first heard this one – like so many of the jokes on this list – from my dad, Jerry Lintner. “My friend, Keith, told me that one in junior high or high school. It’s a corny joke, but one of many fond memories I have of him. When you retell a corny joke, it can remind you of good times with the person who shared that joke with you,” said Lintner.
The Last Resort
These are jokes that are widely considered so foul that not even the worst comic would use them. That being said, these are some of my favorites. They’ll probably get more groans than laughs, but the only thing that matters when you’re telling a joke is how funny you think it is.
39. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
40. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
41. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
42. A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
43. A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Why the long face?”
44. Why did the tomato turn red? Because he saw the salad dressing
45. Knock knock. Who’s there? To. To who? No, to whom.
- *I’m a grammar nerd. What can I say?
46. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot
47. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey. But then I turned myself around.
48. What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
49. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
50. What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reali-tea.
- *Sure, this joke is kind of a bummer to end on, but that just makes it all the funnier.
Hopefully at least one joke from this list made you chuckle, ha-ha or roll on the floor. Remember, as long as you think the joke is good, tell it. Go out there and tell a bad joke to some strangers. You could make someone laugh, sure, but you could even make a lifelong friend.