The late night in the library often calls for a procrastination binge of your favorite sitcom: The Office. Even though this series takes place in an actual office, anything will seem better than the library wall you stared at for the past six hours. Michael Scott, along with Jim, Pam and Dwight, will help you keep your sanity as you move past the dreaded hell week. The world’s best boss, Michael Scott, will do anything in his power to make sure you can overcome this setback.
These Michael Scott quotes will make sure you earn the Dundy for “Hardest Worker” this exam season.
1. “Everybody stay calm!”
Everybody stay calm: That seems like a mantra for your whole college career, huh? But it mostly covers finals week. The dreaded week finally came (out of nowhere, right?) and the amount of writing and lost hours of sleep will definitely catch up to you. Nobody will feel excited about this time of the year, and no matter how collected you may appear, a little—no, a big part of you internally screams during tedious study sessions. Don’t worry, life gets better… maybe.
2. “And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”
You never created a plan about to study. But, you pretend you have one to survive. Pretending just acts as coping mechanism to get you to actually study. Yes, what you study doesn’t make sense and no, you’ll never know what that big word means. However, you will know exactly what you should be doing. Good thing everyone knows how you feel. We guarantee at least 10 other suffering students feel the same way—and that’s an understatement.
3. “I don’t want to do anything, I am dying.”
The three new episodes of your favorite show sit in your newly added bank on Hulu and it looks really enticing. But no—instead of watching them you sit in the library with your nose in your notes and referencing the textbook about topics you don’t know. That doesn’t sound like not doing anything, it sounds worse. It sounds like doing something that happens to not involve watching your favorite sitcom.
4. “I hate looking at your face. I wanna smash it!”
Michael dedicates this to all our professors during finals week. Professors keep teaching until the last possible moment and expect you to understand it well enough to do 10 problems on the final. If you’re reading this, professor, please take pity on us and don’t teach the hardest thing of the semester two days before the final. Honestly, we think what you do can only describe one word: rude.
5. “Should have burned this place down when I had a chance.”
Sadly, your window to successfully burn down the school passed. Plus, you don’t want to get in trouble with the law. Not a good move. A slight chance finals would get canceled might come as a relief but even then probably unlikely. With your luck, the professor would make it happen. But after the hell called finals week, you feel like something should burst on fire to show everyone how you truly feel. Try meditation and control your urge to destroy.
6. “Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”
Don’t know something? Check Wikipedia. Do professors really even check your sources, anyways? Hopefully not because Wikipedia seems like the only website that ever carries decent information about the topic you chose. The only downside? You never really know how to decipher the true information from the false information. You going to take that chance? Probably. The paper at the end of the semester always turns out terrible anyways.
7. “I’ll kill you.”
You know that kid that reminds the professor of the quiz or the paper you supposedly had due right before finals? Yeah, that kid. When they open your mouth you already plotted out ways to make it look like an accident. If this happened to you, we at CM feel very sorry for you. If you happen to act like that kid, don’t act like that kid. No one likes that kid.
8. “I am not a moron.”
Sometimes, that one subject makes you feel, well, a little stupid. When you work on projects or assignments in this subject for a long time, you can tend to feel bad about yourself. A radius-of-convergence… what even is that? You swore you knew what you did but now everything just seems wrong. The worst part? You can’t figure out why exactly. The only moron here is that beast of a homework assignment you have. Make sure you remember that.
9. “The only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.”
Congratulations—you studied for a couple hours. Whether productivity played a key role in the experience or not, ice cream makes everything better. Wise words, Michael Scott. Take a study break, grab your friends and hike down to the nearest creamery. You deserve a scoop of your favorite flavor. If you really feel like you deserve it, maybe even two… or three… or four scoops.
10. “No! God! Please no!”
You know that sinking feeling in your gut when you find out everything’s going horribly wrong? Yeah, that stomach dropping moment when you realize you either studied the wrong material or not enough information the whole time happens occasionally. You knew you should read the syllabus but now you find yourself stuck with a whole lot of work you didn’t think you were going to do. Don’t worry, no one will judge you if you scream into your pillow later tonight.
11. “I am Beyoncé always.”
OK, pep talk time. That last problem got you in a pickle? Not slaying your final studying like you thought? Channel your inner Beyoncé and tell yourself you are a #boss. Everyone looking at you thinks how much of a boss you are. People call you by your true name: queen. You can even dance really well. But what can you do even better than that? That’s right—you can do reactions for chemistry better than anyone. You and Beyoncé? Related. Enough said.
12. “Why don’t you explain this to me like I am five?”
At least five things that show up on your final will just not make sense. No one can explain it well enough for it to make sense. Call in reinforcements. Make sure they just explain it as though you went back in time to become five. Your tired mind can’t understand it any other way.
13. “Sometimes I will start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going.”
We all somehow ended up just blabbing on and on with no direction in our papers. That final does not make any sense because the prompt could mean, like, six things. Just continue writing and hope it makes some type of sense. If not, hope that your professor will pity you. The sentences might not make sense and neither does your paper, but at least that eight-page monster only needs to be 12. More than half way done! Then you can start writing the other one… sorry.
14. “I understand nothing.”
There comes a time where you realize the most terrible thing of all: You understand absolutely nothing. You thought you understood some topics, yet as you study more, you realize everything you thought you knew turned out just plain wrong. Throwing in the towel and going away sadly will not help. Your future self will thank you later for studying without understanding. Hopefully you will sort of understand something by the end.
15. “And I’m optimistic, but every day I get a little more desperate.”
What will make you survive finals? A key to surviving finals lies in between positivity and optimism. Finals week defines itself as a trying time so don’t get yourself down. Of course, you should exercise your right to stress out and cry. Everyone understands. But sometimes, a little bit of positivity goes a long way. You will succeed. You will pass the class. You will graduate. See? You already feel like you can accomplish anything. Just don’t act too desperate, it will just cause problems.
16. “I don’t wanna work! I just wanna bang on this mug all day.”
The tipping point of your attention span closes in on you slowly. That all night study session took a bad turn and for some reason. The broken pencil or that stupid video on Twitter slowly seems even more amusing than before. Work bores you and at this point, banging on your water bottle to make some sick beats seems like a better way to spend your time than reading your history book. Maybe you can drop out of school and go into SoundCloud rapping with your cool new beats. (Please don’t do this.)
17. “I declare bankruptcy!”
Ten hours in and you can only focus on how much money you spent this past semester in tuition. Dying during finals doesn’t really seem worth thousands and thousands to get a degree in this or that. Paying someone to cause you intellectual pain and suffering? Yup, sounds like finals week to me. Just declare bankruptcy now, your student loans won’t pay themselves.
18. “I am dead inside.”
Let’s take bets: Who thinks school and finals week murdered their soul? Everybody most likely. The pressures of the semester gets to you and you only feel closer to dying from pure exhaustion. Who can blame you? After pulling what seems like a week full of all-nighters and chugging Red Bull to stay awake, you identify more with a zombie then an actual human. Stay strong. After finals roll over, you get to sleep. Until then, try to look alive at least.
19. “I am pretty sure this sums it up.”
Sometimes, you need a little pep talk from yourself about yourself. Yes, greatness flows through your veins. Yes, passing appears in your future. Yes, everyone knows the world’s greatest… boss? More like hardest working, most talented and most successful student. Just remember at the home stretch of studying, you sweat awesomeness and your mom thinks so, too. Or just tell yourself that at least.
20. “I don’t even consider myself a part of society.”
Imagine getting asked to define “society” for the class and you forgot English because your mind can’t comprehend anything anymore. Yeah, college gets that bad. After cramming a whole semester’s worth of notes for hours on end, you feel like you live on a different planet. The solitary confinement in the library or your dirty dorm room can’t get any worse. At this point, not seeing the sun for 32 hours requires the least amount of worrying. You can only think about biology and the anatomy of the human body. You no longer identify as a member of society since everyone forgot you existed because studying took over your life. However, all the friends you lost your Snapchat streaks to will most likely feel the same way.
21. “We are screwed.”
How many hours did your booty sit in the library? 53 hours? After studying your academic behind off, you just sit down to take that dreaded final you studied hours for you realize you screwed yourself over. You barely know half the material and even then, you will never be 100 percent sure. Who needs school anyways? Oh wait, you do. Don’t call it quits at this point. You’ll finish college some point soon.
10 More Michael Scott Quotes to Describe Your Summer Break
Written by Macey Spensley
22. “Do you think smoking drugs is cool? Do you think doing alcohol is cool?”
Since you ran into a secluded bedroom at house parties so many times to Facetime your mom at 11 p.m. to make it look like you were in your dorm studying, she probably has the impression that you were a good little angel the entire year. Or she’s in denial. Now you have to adjust to a curfew, answering 825 questions when trying to walk out the door to ask the creepy kid who graduated three years before you but still hangs around to buy you beer. “It’s weird to come back home and have to ask to do things or tell my parents where I am or where I’m going at all times, when I went a whole year of partying without having to do that at all,” said University of Iowa sophomore Olivia Dlouhy. Go easy on your mom. She just wants to keep you safe.
23. “Webster’s Dictionary Defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch.”
Ahh, summer: the season of bonfires, bug bites and trying to find a date to the thirteen high school classmate weddings you got invited to. Nobody wants to get caught in the middle of the dance floor with creepy Uncle Dwight asking you to tango. After getting asked, “When is it going to be your turn?” 18 times, these weddings will feel like the hot metals Michael mentioned being pressed against your skin. Own your singleness, or use your desperateness to snag a man off Tinder who won’t have any qualms about lying that you’ve been dating for six months to everyone who asks.
24. “This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she’s cute now you should have seen her a couple years ago.”
All of those late-night burritos from Chipotle after downing 12 beers at the bar will come back to haunt your body. Nobody wants to come back from college with bags under their eyes and an extra 15 pounds in the middle, but let me bring you into a little secret: All of your high school classmates have experienced the same thing. “Since being in high school, my self confidence has gone through the roof. I found love for my body outside of school, so I feel good,” said Capitol School of Cosmetology senior Kyrin Davis. Who cares if the last time they saw you, you crossed the finish line to win the state track champion title. You looked cute then, and you look cute now.
25. “I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be okay.”
Like I already mentioned, your parents probably have no idea how much you truly partied at college. Letting them in on this secret might not sound great when you have to save your friend from dying of alcohol poisoning in a cornfield (or is that just a Midwest thing?), but you have to let them know that everything worked out fine. Don’t take Michael Scott’s approach. Lead with the good news first so they know that you have a little bit of responsibility in your body.
26. “You know what they say. ‘Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice…strike three.’”
Who has time to worry about drama when you have sun to soak in and drink with little umbrellas in them to drink? You spent an entire school year letting go of self-care to pass exams and ace essays. This summer, don’t let any Toby stop you from enjoying your break from stress. Cutting people off can be as easy as pranking Dwight. Just don’t forget to stare in the distance at the camera to really get the full effect.
27. “It’s not like booze ever killed anyone.”
We all know this quote wouldn’t pass a lie detector test, but getting sloppy in moderation comes with the dorm keys. After spending two semesters studying until 3 a.m. and begging your professor to round your 89.3 percent to a 90 percent, sipping on a couple of cocktails while chilling on a boat sounds like heaven. Prepare to get into a party mood the whole summer before you have to start stressing over how you will pay for your books and food again. Just don’t let your party mood convince you to get behind the wheel.
28. “I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.”
You can’t find anything better than waking up hungover on a Sunday morning, walking downstairs to the dining hall and having a plethora of bacon and eggs waiting for you to devour. I advise against asking your mother to have bacon ready for you every morning, unless you enjoy getting a 20-minute lecture about how she won’t act as your slave this summer. You have to take matters into your own hands and treat yo’ self this summer with all of the breakfast staples every morning. Just try to avoid stepping on your George Foreman or you’ll have an embarrassing story to tell to the whole office.
29. “Finishing that 5K was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccini Alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Well, today, I had a triumph of the human body. That’s why everybody was applauding for me at the end, my guts and my heart. And while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. I’m very, very proud of that.”
In the midst of papers, tests, dining hall food, parties and crippling debt from your student loans, eating healthy and working out probably falls to the end of the list of priorities during the semester. Use your extra time in the summer to get back into shape. Warning: some of these bad habits you picked up in the school stick in your routine and to your thighs, like gulping Alfredo sauce instead of water. “Michael Scott reminds me of a college student because sometimes, we have so much passion and we care so much, but we just fail. We don’t always go about things the right way, but we sure do try to get it done,” said Simpson College senior Morgan Frideres. When you finish that one lap around the track, you should celebrate that you didn’t puke your heart out.
30. “You wanna hear a lie?” “What?” “I…think you’re great. You’re my best friend.”
Everybody loves the feeling of finally moving away from the kids you never really liked in high school to forge a group of friends you actually care about. But when the tests end and you have to move back home, you might run into a problem when you have to find something to do on a Friday night. Prepare yourself for some uncomfortable situations of forcing yourself to befriend the Toby of the group, or else you have to resign yourself to a night of rewatching The Office for the seventh time. “I always feel very trapped at my house if I know that I don’t have anyone to hangout with. I get the urge to just get in my car and run away a lot,” said University of Northern Iowa junior Vanessa Harding. Hold on tight. Two more months and you’ll find yourself cramming for midterms in the library with the girls you actually like once again.
31. “I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up I would definitely not go.”
This summer, you only have to put in as much effort with your plans as Michael Scott did with not irritating his employees. You should spend these three months of pure, sunny bliss with your best friends, enjoying the little piece of faux-childhood before you have to go back to being an adult. “I’m trying to ‘Beyoncé’ my summer by trying the unexpected and being sporadic in my plans, “ said University of Northern Iowa senior Brody Hall. Put yourself first this summer, but make sure to let your friend down easily when you decide to swim in the lake instead of helping him on his beet farm.
Read on for 10 more Michael Scott quotes that scream party animal.
Written by Kimberly Hurd
Every time we go out we encounter specific types of people, whether they be the friends we pregame with or a total stranger we see puking in the bathroom. Between the sad person, the needy one and the friend who is always dying, it is rare to have a fun, lowkey night when attending a party. Read on to see how Michael Scott captures the exact people you run into on a night out in a college town.
32. “It is St. Patrick’s Day….It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.”
Consider yourself lucky to find a festive friend who is always down for a celebration even if a single occasion to celebrate doesn’t exist. I passed my exam? Let’s go out! I failed my exam? Let’s go out! It’s a Monday night and I’m not ready to let go of the weekend? Let’s go out!
33. “That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.”
We always end up seeing THAT guy outside the bar. You know, the one who expects to get in for free, but then acts shocked and confused when he finds out he has to pay a full $10 to get in—on top of buying drinks. He throws a tantrum and then refuses to enter even though he planned this night a week ago. His friends yell at him for acting difficult yet follow him to his dorm room and play Fortnite together until 3 am as opposed to socializing for once.
34. “Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work.”
Everyone takes a turn as the awkward one of the group. We dread the nights when all of our friends somehow run into someone they know from their hometown, sorority or apartment complex. In desperate times, we thankfully make conversation with the kid who sat behind us in psychology class last semester that we’ve spoken to approximately two times. (One of them being “when’s our next exam?”)
35.“Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.”
This guy screams “AHHHHHHH!!!!!” as soon as Mo Bamba starts playing, even though Theta Chi has played this song three times in the past hour. He requests it again before the song ends. He should just trade places with the DJ at this point. As everyone gets ready for the night to calm down, this kid forever remains ready to let continue the fun.
36. “I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”
This friend always handles everything whenever shit hits the fan. You can rely on them to get you home safely and they won’t throw a fit even if you ruin their night. You can find them consoling someone crying or rubbing the back of the kid throwing up in a bush in front of the club. This person rarely ever gets an hour of fun in without having to take on the role of mom or dad again.
37. “If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.”
You find your insanely overprotective friend or roommate giving this speech to the guy trying to buy you a drink. While her rants end up a bit excessive, you need her standing by you when you start talking to someone new on your nights out. The chances of actually speaking to a frat guy at his house party are extremely low since he normally gets scared away as your friend threatens to tear her hoop earrings out if this boy even lays a hand on you. Nine out of ten times she did the right thing saving you.
38. “Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going or… or where you’ve been… ever. For any reason, whatsoever.”
You receive this exact lecture when you run into a drunk girl in the bathroom and she tells you how pretty you look so you obviously tell her about your current boy drama. Without missing a beat, she praises your beauty and perfection, insisting he doesn’t deserve her. Within those two and a half minutes she declares you as her new best friend. You never know for sure how to respond because you feel fully confident that you will never see this girl ever again, so you just smile, giggle and walk away before she vomits on your shoes.
39. “I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.”
We all have that one friend who hates going out, drinking and spending money yet still does it every single weekend and complains no matter the circumstances. Not one to act considerate of their friend’s fun, much less join in on it, you always hear them egocentrically say “I’m ready to go home” usually less than 20 minutes after getting to the bar.
40.“I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero?… I really can’t say, but yes!”
This friend goes a little too hard and gets sick every single time they go out. If you don’t have one of these in your clique, consider yourself blessed. They normally disappear about an hour after getting to the party to go yak in the backyard without anyone noticing. You’d be shocked to find them still at the bar after midnight. On the off chance that they puke and rally, they run out of the bathroom to rejoin their friends and get ready for round two.
41. “It is wonderful to be the center of attention.”
Don’t forget about the birthday girl. If somebody in your group has a birthday during the semester, you know every single minute of this night must be centered around her and you just hope to get treated the same on your birthday. She proudly wears her plastic tiara and a “BIRTHDAY B***H” sash around her neck. If you find her without a drink in her hand, you better get on that right away or there might be a serious problem for everyone.
Check out these The Office themed gifts to enhance your summer even more.
1. Beer Glass
Just imagine: you sitting on a boat in the middle of the lake, soaking up the sun and listening to the waves. Suddenly, you crave an ice cold beer. Thank goodness you have your Michael Scott quote beer glass. Not only can you enjoy a nice beverage, you can make your friends laugh while doing so.
Don’t forget to protect your skin while you take in the sun all summer long. You can’t find a better way to let everyone know of your love for The Office. This hat doubles as a stylish accessory and will also keep you from looking like Creed by the time you turn thirty.
Remind your significant other of your love as they drive around the city from summer activity to summer activity. With this keychain dangling from their keys, they’ll always think about how you guys embody the spirit of Jim and Pam. Talk about #couplegoals.
**Updated June 19, 2018 by Macey Spensley to include 10 more Michael Scott quotes and 3 Michael Scott quote gifts.
**Updated on March 26, 2019 by Kimberly Hurd to include “10 More Michael Scott Quotes that Scream Party Animal.”