Your New Liver-Friendly College Calendar

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You’re in college, time to throw out the old fashioned Gregorian calendar for a new and improved one: the college drinking days of the week. Taco Tuesday, Wine Wednesday and Thirsty Thursday have replaced their boring un-alliterated predecessors. Friday and Saturday remain traditionally named, but are also days reserved strictly for drinking. Sundays and Mondays, with the exception of the occasional Sunday Funday or Margarita Monday, are the only breaks you get.

Contrary to frat boy credo, drinking almost every day of the week isn’t too great for you. In fact, it has quite adverse consequences, such as increased risk of cancer, depression and lowered sex drive, among other symptoms. College drinking is an epidemic, with four out of every five students drinking and almost half regularly binge drinking. “Man, people drink here all the time. My liver is sort of like a punching bag. Right about now it’s dangling from the ceiling by its last couple of threads. One more good clean roundhouse kick might just do ‘er in,” chemical engineering freshman at University of California, Berkeley Ramiro Rojas said.

Yikes. Perhaps we should take it a bit easier when it comes to hitting the bottle. Now, I’m not suggesting we do away with drinking—not in the slightest—but being consistently hungover in the middle of the week feels like too much. I propose we create some alternative weekly calendars offering activities that are comparably fun but much more forgiving to our precious livers. “It would be great if our days of the week weren’t pretty much all drinking themed. I mean, if I’m not drinking wine on Wednesday, I’m profaning God’s third day. There’s too much to live up to,” Rojas said.

2K Tuesday

The NBA 2K video game franchise provide a perfect alcohol substitute for those that want to get belligerent. Play with friends and there will be no shortage of hooting and hollering. Get livid as the poor game mechanics make your defenders useless idiots, or your point guard inexplicably drop the ball or have you randomly step out of bounds. Pop this bad boy in to your preferred console for a guaranteed rowdy night.

Water Sports Wednesday

Alcohol is known to give a temporary adrenaline rush that all of us seem to need during the middle of the week, but another way exists that’s much more liver-friendly than downing a bottle of $4 wine. Exercise gives you an adrenaline boost, rendering you crunk without a drop of alcohol. Water sports in particular may remind you of the alcoholic past because you’ll be drenched in liquids. Swimming sports make the ultimate workout as your entire body is put to the test. Plus fellas, women rate surfing as the number one sexiest sport on Sports Illustrated.

Theobromine Thursday

What is theobromine, you ask? Not only is it the frattiest-sounding chemical out there, but also a prominent constituent of the cacao plant. So instead of consuming alcohol on Thursday, chug some theobromine, bro. Chocolate, especially dark chocolate, offers an array of health benefits such as decreased blood pressure and tons of antioxidants. The best effect of chocolate, however, is that it increases serotonin levels putting you in the mood for some lovin’.This powerful aphrodisiac is the coco equivalent of beer goggles, but unlike beer it won’t send you to an early grave.

The Weekend

On Fridays and Saturdays go crazy. Frat Fridays, Sangria Saturdays; call it whatever you wish, these are your nights for reckless consumption. Keep in mind that staying in a perpetual state of drunkenness may sound fun, but it’s not. While getting hammered once or twice a week is A-OK, we college kids should really find other stuff to do during the week. We’d have better grades, a better love life and probably a lot more fun.

Dano Nissen is a sophomore English major at UC Berkeley. He enjoys listening to Pearl Jam and watching The Simpsons.

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