How To Get Your Holiday Hookup

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Don’t be the loser who stands by herself by the mistletoe this Christmas holding a glass of milk and looking sad—like your weird cousin. We know you haven’t gotten any in quite a while and everyone needs some lovin’ to keep warm in the season’s chilly wind. Remember that really hot guy Chad, the son of your father’s long lost college buddy? He’s invited to the holiday party this year. Now let me help you help yourself get lucky under the mistletoe. Chad awaits.

Fashion

For starters, you need the tools to pull off swagger. You can’t attend holidays parties dressed in your grandmother’s Christmas sweater. No sir—bring out the big guns. For the sake of your soul, tear down your wardrobe and plaster up a new one filled with the latest styles that will ensure that you will surely get laid. Why hello, it’s me, and this Christmas I’m coming for you.

Confidence

Confidence: One of the most important elements that create an overall sexy persona. Even the most dreadful-looking of trolls will pull at least one sexual partner simply because of his radiating self-assurance. If you feel confident about your appearance or self-worth as a person, I congratulate you. If not, allow me to explain.. Regardless of your physical appearance, if you walk into that holiday party and pull a member of the opposite sex into a repartee of witty conversation whilst emulating confidence, she’ll surely pull you under the mistletoe by the end of the night.

Chloroform

If you’ve tried every trick in the book to coax a possible partner under the mistletoe and they haven’t worked, I have the solution you’ve been looking for. Find your future S.O. by using chloroform as a way to strategically place him under the mistletoe so he has to kiss you. Sure you risk a restraining order or some jail time and forfeit your invite to next year’s soirée, but the possibility of eternal love? Priceless.

Don’t Shop, Adopt!

If you acted naughty this year, make a charitable act to turn the tables in your favor. Pay it forward and foster some adorable puppies or kittens for the weekend and set up camp right next to the mistletoe. No one can resist intense cuteness like that, regardless of gender. When you lure her into your cuteness circle—I mean, invite her over—you’ll surely get that kiss. Who knows, maybe you’ll take home both a girlfriend and a new furry friend.

Tour of My Heart

If you’re talking to your potential S.O. at the holiday party and running out of things to say in an attempt to entice him, pretend like you live there and give a tour of the house and say, “Why yes, that is a vase from our family vacation to Florence, you cultural dog, you. Now if you’ll just notice the Grecian arch in our grand foyer…” Not only will the tour get your date slightly disoriented and distracted from other options available at the party, but it’s the smoothest, most inconspicuous way to go about that holiday hookup.

Have Your Pick of the Litter

If you strategically place the buffet or the bar under the mistletoe, you can have your pick from whomever you want that kiss. Or hell, you could just make out with everyone. What a great way to cover all of your bases and attain all the crushes you’ve had this semester. Two frat guys with one beer, as they say.

Lauren Hoffman: writer, jaded romantic, and always making a serious effort to be a flamingo among a flock of pigeons. In my spare time, I am an English Major with a Business minor at the University of Florida.

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