11 People to Avoid Freshman Year

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It’s the first week of college, and you’re thrown into a whole new world: parties, class, more alcohol than you could ever consume and no parents. You should be thrilled. Instead, you’re so anxious to make friends that you cling to any passing object with a temperature around 98.6 degrees with the ferocity of a giant squid snatching his next meal. Unfortunately, not every friend you make is going to be a gem. Check out 10 people you should, without a doubt, keep out of your contact list.

1. The Insider

“My sister’s best friend’s orthodontist’s daughter has an off-campus house and she’ll totally let us in. I hear they throw some wicked ragers.” The tantalizing promise of a basement party with black lights and stale beer is too much to handle. You’ll walk 40 minutes into the city to a mysterious apartment, only to get turned away at the door because you’re obvi a pack of freshmen. Newsflash: Your new friend doesn’t even know this girl, and there isn’t even a party tonight.

2. The Broken Heart

“I just broke up with my high school girlfriend and I’m so, so troubled right now. Want to cuddle to make me feel better?” This fella has the “puppy eye” down pat, and he’ll have you dreaming of romance movie plot lines in no time. Oh, he’s so sweet; he must need my love to become whole again. I can fix him. I can hear that Coldplay song playing already… Yeah, right. They’ll be back together by Thanksgiving.

3. The Popular One

“Hey everyone in the dining hall right now, come back to my dorm for a par-tay! Room 215! Holla!” Hey, why not? It seems like a good idea to branch out in college and meet some new people. Pretty soon you’ll find yourself trapped in a sweaty glorified box with 40 new friends listening to “Remix To Ignition” on repeat. Sounds great…until you’re written up for a noise violation 20 minutes later.

4. The Chain Smokers

“Dude we have a hookah set up in our room. Want to come chill?” These guys have already figured out how to disable their smoke detector and keep the smell from slipping into the hallway (wet towels shoved under the door– it’s not that clever). They’re only roomies because they checked off “Occasionally ;)” on their roommate-match profile when asked how much they smoke. They’ll make you that person who smells like a fire pit and slips out of an hour-long lecture to take a drag. Just say no, people.

5. The Too Cool For School

“Western Culture starts at 1 p.m.? That’s so early it’s, like, a sin.” This girl is intimately acquainted with her phone’s snooze button, and she loves to tell anyone who will listen that she morally can’t sit in a cold classroom for hours when there’s so much she could be doing in the world. It’s only one week into classes and she somehow already missed five of her own. Spend enough time with her and you’ll be sure to have a wonderful time while earning literally zero credit for the semester.

6. The Oasis Enthusiast

“Want to hear my rendition of ‘Wonderwall?’” This guy has an acoustic guitar, the ability to somewhat carry a tune, and a general aura of desperation surrounding him at all times. At any given post-game he’s gonna whip it out (his guitar, dirty mind) and croon something in his falsetto. What are you compensating for, sir?

7. The Natty Light Bro

“It’s not alcoholism until we graduate!” Um… yeah, totally! You’ll find out this girl is a wild child when, two months in, you realize you’ve never actually seen her sober. She has three different shaped flasks, one of those bras you can fill with wine and an entire mini fridge filled with mixers and Keystones. She’s a lot of fun until you’re nursing a killer hangover at darty number four in a row. You can find her playing pong outside your dorm. By herself. On a Tuesday afternoon.

8. The Does She Even Go Here?

“Sorry, I can’t hang out this weekend, I have to go see my friend at [insert state school here].” We know she loves her high school friends, and honestly, good for her for finding her “people.” But this girl is just never around. Yeah, she’ll be a great pal if you want to go get drunk at a nearby college every once in a while, but you’ll only become friends if you can make her stay in one place long enough (Unlikely).

9. The Homework “Helper”

“I stayed up super late last night finishing a paper for my lit class,” or “I lost my book so I couldn’t find any of the quotes,” or “My cat just died and I was too wrought with grief to get the work done on time.” He doesn’t even have a cat, but he’s going to use every excuse in the book to convince you to let him copy your homework. This isn’t high school, people. Everyone is super busy in college, but everyone else manages to get their assignments done on time. He’s using you, but hey, at least it’s for your brain, not just your body or booze.

10. The RA’s Pet

“I think you may have to write my hallmate up, I just know they’re thinking of throwing a party…” He’s your worst nightmare, and you don’t even realize it. He’ll smile on the way to the bathroom, even lend you some tape when your Game of Thrones poster falls down. But come Friday night when you and your buddies just want to blast Cascada and turn up, his unsustainable sleep ethic (up at 8 a.m. every day, in bed by 10 p.m.) and unrealistic moral compass make a deadly combination.

11. The Netflix Queen

“Do we have to go out?” You may think this girl is similar to that RA kiss-up because she seems to avoid any and all nefarious collegiate activities. There’s a fundamental difference, though: She doesn’t care. At all. This girl will use any excuse to stay in. She thinks parties are overrated, and wouldn’t be caught dead shotgunning anything anywhere. Ever. She has a subscription to Netflix, HBOGo, Hulu Plus and a shelf entirely filled with Easy Mac and popcorn.

Wait, on second thought, this girl is a keeper.

Senior studying English at Boston College. Will always be found wearing cat socks. Still searching in vain for the world's best mac and cheese.

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