Â Weâve all been there â big lecture class, 300 other students checking off their gen ed requirements. The professor is rambling away about who knows what at one of two decibel levels (pin-drop silent or volcanic eruption loud). On a lucky day, you get rewarded with slightly creepy personal stories â maybe even with some pictures! Hey man, we just want to take our notes and have enough time to grab a coffee before our next class. And have we ever really had a chance to let them know these things? No, not really â so thatâs why weâve compiled a list of the top 10 things we imagine ourselves saying to our professors. (Authorâs note: Do not try this at home. You may risk personal embarrassment, class failure, expulsion, public humiliation, flogging, etc.)
1.Â Â 1. “Whatâs with all of the Oxford Dictionary terms? Simplify that s#!t!â
Weâre in college. We live for the simple things. We also know what a âsynonymâ is. We like synonyms. Synonyms are nice. Nice is also good.
2. âPlease don’t start our exam by saying âThere should be no questions. If you have a question, you don’t know the material.ââ
-Christina Mucciarone, Masters in Medical Science (University of South Florida)
Just because you may be the master of Quantum Mechanics or Thermonuclear Chemistry doesnât mean I am. You donât know my study habits. You donât know that I spent 48 straight hours in the library reading every footnote just to prepare for your exam. YOU DONâT KNOW MY LIFE.
3.Â Â Â 3. “Is it really necessary to speak at a voice level equivalent of tiny kittens sleeping?â
How in the world are we supposed to learn that calculus formula if we canât even hear you say whether thatâs a 1 or a 7 that you just wrote? And on that note, whatâs with the chicken scratch? I get it, youâre a doctor, but weâre here to learn how to be a doctor. Weâre not at that handwriting level yet â weâve barely passed âalmost illegible.â But on the other handâ¦
4.Â Â Â Â 4. “Is it really necessary to speak at a level of wolves fighting dragons fighting sea monsters?â
Hey man, thereâs no need to yell. Itâs 8am. Youâre talking about Freudâs dream psychology. Letâs keep it calm. Namaste.
5. There is no rational reason why you should assign a paper, an exam, a quiz, a project, and a family history report all due on the same day.â
Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but it always seems like that last week before finals is when everything falls onto our laps. You couldnât have spaced this out just a bit? Maybe like, at least a day apart? No? Okay, cool. Iâll be crying in the library if you need me.
6. “If you want us to remember something important, please, always make sure itâs in song.â
After all, we will likely remember it better if you make it musical and weird. Shares Olivia Swenson, social science education major from Florida State University: âMy Dinosaurs and Earth’s Natural Disasters teacher started singing to our class about how the world is always changing during our class time! And he always ended the class with âBe careful out there due to mother nature and dead dinosaurs!â â¦we always begged him to sing and dance for us.â
7.Â Â Â 7. “Whatâs with the politics?! This is a basket-weaving classâ¦â
Seriously, itâs as if every class has to have SOME sort of political conversation. Yes, itâs a huge part of our country, but this is an elective class. We meet once a week. Why canât we just have a good time sitting here, you know, weaving these baskets without having to hear about your own hinted at but vaguely shrouded beliefs?
8.Â Â Â 8. “We don’t need pop culture examples in order to understand you.”
Because you donât have to try and change the lyrics to âThrift Shopâ to match your class subject. Itâs okay. You can leave that to the high school teachers. Props for trying, but letâs just continue with the lecture.
9. “If youâre going to make a Power Point to present in class, make sure it makes sense.â
Because itâs not cool if you are confused by what should be helpful. A picture of pottery when we werenât talking about art that day? I mean, Iâm all about learning African tribal culture, butâ¦can we stick to one topic at a time?
10. âIs there a reason why you always belittle our major? Say that there are no jobs left? Are you just trying to be a Debbie Downer orâ¦?â
We get it. The job market is tough. Itâs tough for just about everyone â but some of us are actually in this major because we like it. And weâd like to keep it that way.
What crazy stuff have your professors done? Anything youâd like to say to them â even if itâs in your head? Leave your comments below!