10 Shades of Passive Aggressive Holiday Gifts

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Need help being an undercover asshole for the holidays? Give yourself a present by being passive-aggressive this holiday season. These gifts are reserved for the scum of your friend group whom, for some reason, you can’t manage to scrub off. Enjoy, kitties.

1. Sex Toys

We all have one friend with a never-ending thirst. Seriously, it’s like she lived in the Sahara her whole life without a drop of water, acting as if she’s never seen the opposite sex before. We all know she gets it on the regular. So let’s stop these horny little bunnies in their tracks from trying to get some the night before your big final when you can just bless them with a vibrating friend of their own. For the lonely souls, give them both sets of masturbation tools. They can act out the relationship they’ll never have.

2. Personal Trainer Sessions

There’s nothing more unbearable than a girl who tries to pull off the crop top and booty shorts when it doesn’t appear flatter her figure. Needless to say, to the girl who just has too much personality to contain in her body, this gift will suit her style. Nothing like getting the ball rolling—instead of rolling—than a free week with a personal trainer.

3. Vacuum Cleaner

For the messiest of them all whose apartment always reeks of week-old pizza and moldy dishes. A vacuum cleaner isn’t that cheap of a purchase and will perhaps influence this miscreant to clean up his act—and hopefully his apartment as well.

4. Gas Station Gift Cards

This gift is perfect for the friend who always makes you chip in for gas, even though you’re riding to the grocery store five minutes away. Somehow they have a strange fetish for full tanks and fantasize waking up in Arabia where there’s oil galore. Regardless, get them to never ask for gas money ever again by stuffing their stocking (or mouths) with treats for their tank.

5. W.W.J.D Bracelet

For the know-it-all in the friend group purchase a “What Would Jesus Do?” bracelet to spread holiday cheer as well as bring back the good old days of the Livestrong bracelet trend. Not only will your dear friend think twice before grinching up the holidays, but there’s also nothing more humbling than bringing someone back home to scripture.

6. Poop Spray

Okay, this one is pretty low. I may admit there’s nothing more aggravating and horrendous than walking into your bathroom after your friend takes care of business only to smell a stench worthy of a landfill. Finding the way to tell them to stop leaving remnants of themselves in your apartment seems awkward and tough, so buy your friend a poop spray bottle and let the gift do the talking.

7. A Donation to a Charity in the Name of the Recipient

Donate $150 to the Sarah McLachlan SPCA Charity in your friend’s name. We all know those commercials. One in particular moved you so much, leaving you without a choice but to act out of the kindness of your heart and turn your frenemy’s gift into helping homeless puppies. Because you know this person’s morals don’t exist, help thaw out the icy part of his heart with an altruistic present. He’ll have to thank you and his face while he thanks you for this “meaningful present” is the gift right back for you.

8. The Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy

For that annoying, hopeless romantic in the friend group who insists “Brock will definitely call you back, he’s probably busy,” even though several months have passed. Face it Audrey, he’s not calling back and we are not going to live happily ever after with two kids and a golden retriever. Instead, put a pause on Audrey’s Jane Austen endeavors with some kinky S&M romance. It might liven up her advice.

9. Designer Deodorant

If there’s anything that’s inarguably intolerable, it’s body odor. Gosh, we’re lucky enough to live in America—bathe like it. Hopefully this person who clearly enjoys stewing in their own filth will get the message and as a result, get laid as well.

10. Pet Rock

For stalkers and drama queens alike, you’ve found for perfect present. Stop your friend right in her tracks from entering your area of peace and tranquility and soiling it with her sob stories of how “he’ll never see how truly meaningful our relationship is,” or for dudes, “you will not believe who gave me head last night.” Brad, we can totally believe who gave you head last night; we’ve heard the story a billion times. Give your poor soul a break and next time these home invaders need to vent their lives away, have them pour it out to their pet rock.

Lauren Hoffman: writer, jaded romantic, and always making a serious effort to be a flamingo among a flock of pigeons. In my spare time, I am an English Major with a Business minor at the University of Florida.

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