Are you disturbed by the chewy balls of starch floating in your honeydew bubble tea? Do you think that froyo should stop trying to make fetch happen and leave that job to ice cream? Yeah, us too. Read on to see why we think that frozen yogurt and bubble tea are the worst edible trends around.
Frozen yogurt has become popular by tricking the entire collegiate female population into thinking it’s healthy. Even though it’s technically low-fat, froyo can have more than 20 grams of sugar in a small serving and 21 grams of carbs. Bubble tea is even worse. According to the food diary program My Fitness Pal, used by lightweight rowers and the marginally anorexic everywhere, a generic bubble tea less than 13 ounces contains over 200 calories, three grams of fat, 45 grams of carbs and 22 grams of sugar. Can’t you just see Regina George spitting out her Kalteen bar and screaming, “MOTHER—”?
The Flavors are Never as Delicious as They Sound
I ordered the new chai froyo at a restaurant near my hometown expecting something akin to a frozen chai latte from Starbucks. I got a weirdly tangy, cinnamon thing that didn’t meet any of my expectations and depressed me instead. And unless you’re watching the creation of your bubble tea, rest assured that the watermelon flavor will taste more like Bubble Yum than the real deal.
I can think of only a few things less appetizing than chewing on the boba, or tapioca balls, in bubble tea and they are all things I can’t write about here. The texture of these tapioca balls (and it sounds gross even in writing) is something akin to cheap escargot, or snails for all you 99-percenters. It’s oddly rubbery and chewy and slippery. So you have slimy balls on one hand, and on the other you have the bizarre grittiness of sugar-free froyo. Maybe it’s just Yogi Berry in College Park, but the sugar free stuff there has a mouthfeel akin to sandy pudding. Why do we down this stuff like it’s going out of style when it feels so awful to ingest?
I love the froyo brand Yogen Fruz, I really do. I always get a blended strawberry pineapple and top it with shredded coconut, dark chocolate chips and raspberries. But that little cup of joy is over five bucks. A small bubble tea is also $4.00 pretty much everywhere. I know it seems hypocritical since I pay the same amount for my double tall skim latte with extra suburb at Starbucks but somehow four bucks for tea and balls of starch really grinds my gears.
They’re Taking Over My Instagram Feed
I don’t care about what toppings you chose for your extra-large passionfruit froyo. I especially don’t care about your red bean bubble tea with extra bubble. I do care that I can’t even find a decent picture of a golden retriever in a frog costume or a stack of lipsticks all beautifully aligned amidst your Toaster-ed/Brannan-ed/Kelvin-ed pictures. Go away.