To be honest, after the sippy cup scene in Breaking Dawn Part 1, I had some serious doubt about how this film would turn out. Despite the obvious eye candy (#TeamEdward), I was worried that I’d find myself really questioning my life choices as I sat in a movie theater surrounded by a theater full of tween girls, a few bored parents and some lucky boyfriends, dragged to the theater by their twihard counterparts. But, I must admit, I was wrong–the movie was actually, dare I say it, good.
Beware, spoilers follow:
The film starts out where we left our favorite vampires (and the one werewolf that just won’t buzz off) last–Bella has been changed into a vampire and has just awakened for the first time. Understandably, she’s hungry and needs to go for a hunt. After miraculously controlling herself and NOT chowing down on an innocent mountain climber (climbing with pretty much NO equipment), she settles for a random lionness-type ferocious animal–you know, the ones indigenous to Forks…?
Then, after the obligatory “welcome to the vampire world” greeting from the Cullens, Bella meets her baby Renesmee for the first time, and finds out Jacob imprinted on “Nessy” (“You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?”). After that, things settle down a bit, until Bella realizes she needs to address the whole “what am I going to tell my dad,” thing, and Jacob saves the day by taking off his clothes. Literally. He goes and tells Charlie that in order to get better, Bella had to “change,” and then turns into a werewolf in front of him after stripping slowly (Thanks, TLaut, we appreciate it). Not sure how it solves things, but somehow it does, and now Nessy has a grandpa! Yay!
Anyway, then problems arise because the Cullens random cousin Irina sees Bella and Nessy (and Jacob, who follows them everywhere) and decides that Nessy is an “immortal child,” which is really bad in the vampire world because apparently, they be killing people like crazy and stuff. So Irina tells the Volturi and they get mad–cue angry stare from Jane (Dakota Fanning). Alice has a vision about all this, alerts the family and they all hatch a plan to gather their family and friends as “witnesses” to the fact that Nes is not a dangerous immortal child, but is actually half human, half vampire, and all kinds of freaky. Meanwhile Alice disappears, leaving Bella a note of the back of a page from a book, which Bella realizes is a hidden message, because the book is from this dude who Bella arranges to meet. The dude gives Bella two passports (one for Nessy and one for Jacob), and Bella figures it all out–Nes and Jacob have to…uh…leave the country? Again, not sure how this is supposed to solve things, but somehow Bella thinks it will.
So finally it’s time to face the Volturi and they come with this army of creepy cloaked followers. Aro meets Nessy and realizes that she’s not a danger because she…touches his face. But he’s like, “Since we came here, we might as well fight, even though there really isn’t a reason to, but mainly cuz I really want Alice or that freaky human-turned vampire girl with the awkward glances (Bella) as a prize.” And then Alice shows up and she’s like, there’s no reason to fight, just read my mind.
But, then they fight anyway! And it’s friggin’ epic! Heads everywhere! Carlyle gets killed early (zomg!) and then all the Cullens & Co are like “Oh no you didn’t!” so everyone fights. Seth and Leah get killed, and so does Jasper, and things get totally out of control when it looks like Edward and Bella kill Aro, but wait! It’s all a vision! It’s all a part of what Alice shows Aro when he holds her hand! So then Aro is all like “uh, no. We ain’t fighting with these people.” And all is well in vampire world!
As I left the theater, I found out that this ending wasn’t true to the books at all. But hey, don’t shoot the messenger. I hear that in the book, they all sorta just talk things out, which would have been way lame in a movie. Was it worth forfeiting anti-climactic diplomacy for a pretty nifty vampire showdown? I think so. Especially after the major letdown of the film–the barely even G rated sex scene between Bella and Edward.
Overall, the film was good. With the exception of the creepish CGI-looking baby Renesmee (was that just me?) who seemed to maintain her CGI-ness all throughout the film, I enjoyed it from the creatively designed opening credits to the sentimental rundown of the entire cast (from ALL the movies) at the end. I even enjoyed it when the audience clapped (but really, it isn’t a play. Why do people clap?). It was a good ending to the franchise and a fun experience, but at the end of it all, I was left with one burning question: How much of a chance is there that KStew and RPatz are actually going to stay together after her cheating scandal? I love you KStew, but you’re all kinds of skanky.