The Morning After: Reaction to the Least Legendary Series Finale Ever

 *****MAJOR SPOILER ALERT*****

*****I CANNOT STRESS THE SPOILER-TASTIC NATURE OF THIS ARTICLE ENOUGH *****

*****IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED THE HIMYM FINALE, TURN BACK NOW*****

Dear How I Met Your Mother,

Nine years. Nine f***ing years. You strung me along for nine years for that finale. Not cool bro, not cool.

I take back everything nice I said about you in this story about Barney’s proposal to Robin I wrote a little over a year ago. I said things like “I’m for sorry for ever doubting you” and “…you managed to make me believe that Barney marrying Robin is the right thing to do.” I was so young, so naïve. 

Yeah, that marriage lasted less than an episode. So thanks for making all of Season 9 about their wedding! I feel so fulfilled knowing that not only do they get divorced, but Barney goes back to his lothario ways without a second thought. Just because Judge Fudge allowed it, doesn’t mean it left me feeling any less hollow about their “relationship.”

Now to be fair, in the real world, Barney and Robin would never work. They’re both awful people who deserve each other, which is exactly why their marriage would eventually crash and burn, probably literally. And it did lead to Barney FINALLY knocking up a girl up and declaring his love for his illegitimate daughter, which was the finale’s emotional high point.

But this is HIMYM world, where Barney can pick up women using only dolphin noises and the naked man works more than zero out of three times. Logic doesn’t apply. And if you’re going to spend an entire season painstakingly showing us EVERY DAMN DETAIL of the wedding weekend, that marriage better last forever. So strike one.

Strike two: YOU KILLED THE MOTHER OFF.  How could you kill off the best thing to happen to this show since Robin Sparkles and the Slap Bet? The entire Internet saw it coming, called you out on it, and you went ahead and gave them exactly what they didn’t want to see. Also, Tracy McConnell…TM…The Mother…I get it. Face palm. 

But the worst part was you somehow found a way to cheapen her death. Because, in the final minutes, you decided that the whole point of Ted’s story to his children was to see if they were okay with him asking Aunt Robin out. First of all, it’s creepy to ask out anyone your children consider an aunt. Just saying.

Secondly, this basically means that Ted’s journey was all about Robin. No other women he ever met or felt anything for ever mattered in the long run. It was all about Robin and that damn French horn. Tracy was just a stepping-stone in Ted’s journey to get back to Robin. Nothing more, nothing less.  

Frankly, I feel stupid for getting so emotionally invested in this show. When every character was just a pawn to get Ted and Robin back together, who really cares if Marshall becomes a New York Supreme Court judge? Or what kind of mother Lily is? Or, for that matter, what kind of father Barney is? And, as much as I hate to say it, who cares about Ted’s relationshp with Tracy, knowing that in the back of his mind, Ted could never truly love her? 

Well, it was a nice run How I Met Your Mother. It was fun for a while, but uh, I don’t think I’ll be coming back to you anytime soon. I don’t even care what the story behind the pineapple is anymore. Thanks for the memories, I guess.

Sincerely,

Disappointed Beyond Belief 

P.S. Penny and Luke: I feel your pain.