So I know I wasn’t the only one excited when I heard that Lindsay Lohan was playing Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime’s original movie Liz and Dick. Don’t bother lying, I know you saw it, just like I know you saw Twilight. Team Edward? Team Jacob? Anyone? That’ll just stay between you and me. But who could honestly resist the sight of LiLo frantically trying to piece together her career, switching back and forth between an American and vaguely familiar British accent? Adult Lohan could have taken some lessons from Parent Trap Lohan.
Really though, I feel bad for you if you didn’t see this masterpiece, because not only did you miss out on a stunningly terrible portrayal of Lindsay enacting Liz Taylor’s emotional roller coaster, but you also missed out on some excellent relationship advice. I mean, come on, once you’ve experienced marriage and divorce in a controlled substance-induced-haze, like Liz and Dick have, you get to know some stuff about what it takes to make a relationship last. Except theirs constantly resulted in divorce….Well whatever. But if you were doing unnecessary things last Sunday night like completing the long drive home from your family’s Thanksgiving, finishing homework, etc, a) you’re a fool and b) this is your lucky day because College Magazine is about to fill you in Liz and Dick style. Not fill you in Dick style, that’s kinda…you get what I mean.
PDA is encouraged. There’s no excuse to be gun shy when it comes to getting hot and heavy in pubic. And I don’t mean a little peck here and there or even that lingering hand-on-ass move. That’s for amateurs. No, if you wanna be like Liz and Dick you gotta go all out, even when cameras are rolling. Lindsay herself might also follow this advice.
When you don’t get what you want, cry. Just cry. Cheat on your husband – cry. Get dumped – cry. Win an Oscar – cry. Don’t win an Oscar- cry. Kill your brother – cry. Just cry and all will be well. You don’t even have to be a convincing crier, which LiLo can attest to. Or take a hand full of pills. Whatever works better to get his attention.
If crying doesn’t work, diamonds will. Elizabeth Taylor once said, “Big girls need big diamonds.” When Dick makes fun of Lindsay’s hands in the movie, she first cries, of course, and then has him make up for it by buying her the biggest rock known to man. Basically guys, why use your words when your wallets are so much more effective?
Don’t let the relationship get boring. You want to make sure to spice it up every once in a while. Either learn some new bedroom moves or move onto a yacht, like Liz and Dick do. But make sure you’re girlfriend doesn’t have to scream, “I’m bored! I’m so bored!” like LiLo does when she’s supposed to be spending quality time with her children. Just don’t have children. That’s another thing I learned from Lohan’s portrayal of Liz.
Last but not least, don’t let death separate you. The old adage is “til death do us part” but if you follow Liz and Dick’s examples you can spend your afterlife together in matching black outfits, musing about the good ol’ days. #spielberg status
And don’t forget to check out these clips for a few more gems:
Photos taken from gofugyourself.com, dailydot.com, article.wn.com and dailygrindhouse.com