The Angry Dolphin

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A mysterious incident involving the appearance of an inflatable phallus recently sparked a conversation between me and two girl friends, about the stealthy nature of the male sex organ.

“The worst is when you’re trying to sleep, and he’s behind you, and all of a sudden it’s like he’s pointing an arrow at your ass, but you just want to sleep.” That’s not a great alarm cock – I mean, clock. I can definitely agree. But another friend had an even worse story.

“Or, when he doesn’t know what he’s doing, or where he’s going, and the lights are off and all of a sudden, he’s…”

The three of us grimaced in unison as we realized exactly what she was talking about.  And this, my friends is known as “The Angry Dolphin.”

A phrase that refers to the high-pitched, feisty, squeaking that often occurs when women realize where that sneaky penis is headed, The Angry Dolphin is a visceral reaction that sounds strangely reminiscent of a marine mammal who isn’t too pleased with the direction of an eel. A phenomenon in female culture, this seems to be fairly universal. But where are these proponents of anal sex?

Comedian Colin Kane is one of them. Known for his racy humor, one of my favorite jokes involves his full ten-minute analysis of the idiosyncratic methods in which white men, black men, and even Jewish men check out the female posterior. But one of my favorite lines is about “fifth base.”

“Every time you ask a girl to have anal sex,” he says, “she always says she had a ‘bad experience.’” Who is this guy, that’s doing this to all these girls?!”

If only it were just one, Colin. What a better world this would be.

I’ve heard a plethora of horror stories.  Guys who promised it wouldn’t hurt, a man who bribed his wife with a steak dinner, and even one tricky guy who thought she wouldn’t notice. Moments later, my poor friend was curled up in a ball, kicking and screaming at the pure shock.  Needless to say, that relationship was most likely not meant to be.

But don’t you worry, Mr. Kane. According to a recent article in Marie Claire, anal play is on the rise, up at least 11% since 1992.  Now the question is, what to do with this brand new arena of sexual pleasing?

The majority of guys seem to love a little caressing on their “landing strip,” that sensitive area between the balls and the …. Well, you know.  A tiny bit of massaging and you can easily send him over the edge, from 0 to 60 in just a few seconds. However, if you were to ask your boy, “Hey, is it cool if I just stick my fingers here and rub you for a bit,” he might not be so keen.  Experimentation can really make the difference between a normal Tuesday and “that amazing night you tried that new move, babe.”  Though it’s important to read his signs – if his entire body tenses up, he might not be feeling it – you can proceed slowly and with caution.

And as for the ladies, believe me, I’m not a fan whatsoever. In fact, it’s not an area into which I personally have felt the need to delve. But I’ve done enough research and spoken to enough girls to know that it might be worth investigating with a careful partner you trust.

A slow, simple massage of the backside can increase stimulation to this area, also increasing bloodflow to the genitals, resulting in a more powerful overall O. This is the same mentality behind spanking, but in a softer way, though both are viable options. So don’t be so sensitive if your boy calls himself an “ass man…” Let him do his thing, and it’ll help you do yours.

In summary, the ass has gotten a bad rap, and for good reason. It’s an area that needs to be treated tenderly, with great respect and care. But that being said, it’s packed with nerve endings, giving it the potential to create much pleasure if handled correctly. If the ass is a target, nobody ever said you need to shoot for the bullseye. For once, it’s okay to miss once and a while…the outer rings are just as fun.

Magazine Journalism > Syracuse University

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