The 5 People You Meet at Thanksgiving

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No one enjoys socializing with people they haven’t seen in almost a year, let alone family members asking if you’ve gotten a “real” job yet or when that boyfriend of yours is going to propose.  For every clever, quaint and vintage-chic Grandma Betty at Thanksgiving dinner, there’s unfortunately a loudmouth redneck Cousin Billy yell-talking about monster trucks and PBR to balance her out.  

Here’s a list of family members we all love to hate on the instant we unload from our minivans at our relatives’ house:

The Embarrassment 

I call this person “the embarrassment” because they are the exact reason you would never, ever want to bring your significant other to meet the family. This person is far from a fair representation of the overall family genetics. Usually a dangerous mix of uneducated, opinionated, loud and redneck, “the embarrassment” can be seen safeguarding the Bud Light cooler, ignorantly arguing over politics (George Boosh fer pres because he’s uh hunter!) and stealing children’s toys for kicks and giggles.

The Bullshitter 

It’s only been a year since you’ve seen this person, and since then they’ve almost earned a doctorate degree, practically attended Oprah’s private party (the restaurant next door counts, right?) and was THIS CLOSE to catching Big Foot.   For some reason, no one’s ever had enough nerve to call this guy out. If everything “the bullshitter” almost did was actually done, he’d almost be too famous for home Thanksgiving gatherings, but alas, he is just a loser with poor self-esteem.

The Overly Inquisitive Aunt

This is the person that asks you all those brilliant questions like “are you going to be able to find a job with that major?” and “did you put on a little weight?” You like to think that she means well, but can’t really be sure. She also happens to be the mother of your Better Than You Cousin who gets more impressive grades, brings home more impressive guys and the general consensus is that she’s just more impressive overall

The Detached Grandparent

This species is both common and unique.  There always seems to be a grandparent that has no earthly idea that you’re 23 now… not 13 (either due to the fact they cannot mentally fathom the difference between 23 and 13 or they simply do not care to).  The detached grandparent can be seen looking abandoned in a 1970s recliner in the corner (all family photos are taken surrounding said recliner), gifting a 17-year-old with a Matchbox car and cursing under their breath about the subpar pumpkin pie.  

The Too-Cool Cat

This individual feels exactly the way we all do about the above-mentioned, but the difference is, they make it apparent. The too-cool cat often chooses to sit alone in an effort to make his or her disapproval of the situation apparent.  This cool cat can be found heating up their personal organic Thanksgiving dinner in the microwave, listening to Bright Eyes in a secluded corner and/or gifting grandma (the only cool-approved relative) with handmade lye soap. 

Senior > Public Relations > Marshall

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