You’re sittin’ there with your hot chocolate gettin’ in the Christmas Spirit. Happy to be done with finals, ya turn on Netflicks, holiday selection- of course- and click through. Unsuspectingly you click on a Rom-Com holiday film, settle in and watch. When its all over you are not filled with Christmas Cheer, rather with the “bah humbug” sorrow and rage- as if you needed a reminder that your Christmas ends with driving your mom home after her generous indulgence in eggnog, not with a perfect moment ending under the mistletoe. You have been hoodwinked into watching a Romantic Comedy, Rom Com, a Chick Flick disguised as a Christmas film. Consequently, it has come to my attention that some newbie singletons most likely have no idea what films to avoid in the midst of a Christmas breakup. My Christmas Gift To You, weeding out the Rom-Com Christmas Imposters:
1. Love Actually
Here we have a mini-series of “love” happening from a Middle School Kid to the Prime Minister of England; Even the girl with the picture perfect wedding get’s the godd**n love serenade by the husband’s best friend-Oh and a man that learns a whole new language for another woman. Bahaha. No, Not a Christmas Movie, just one that will tear your heart out. It’s a producer that wanted to make sure this chick-flick got profits by being repeated once a year on Cable TV networks. Bah HumBug to you, you greedy bastard.
2. Anything from the Lifetime Channel
Women with fatal diseases, living in the worst place, at the worst time, magically turn into princesses of unknown, un-pronounceable countries in the span of a week to 25 days before Christmas. Just in time for the first snowfall where they announce they are pregnant with their first child, mostly likely after they received news in the recent past that they were barren- Christmas Miracle! Using Christmas to diversify your movie collection Lifetime? An eye-roll and a flip of the channel for you, ya filthy animal.
3. The Holiday
Two single women switch homes for the holidays to run away from their problems; only to find the solutions in each other’s country. There is No Santa. No elves. No goal to have more Christmas Cheer. This could have been done over a Summer Vacation. Instead of a Christmas miracle solving their problems, it’s their active attempt to run away from them. Bravo. Not only is it not a Christmas movie, it promotes all the wrong solutions.
4. The Family Stone
The boyfriend brings the uptight girlfriend (Sarah Jessica- Parker) to his Family Christmas. However, Uptight falls in love with his (the boyfriend’s) relaxed brother, while his jaded-single sister get’s it on with her high-school sweat-heart and oh wait, the shmuck brother who brought the uptight girlfriend falls in love with her sister. BAM. Merry Christmas everyone is happy, no hearts broken. The painful issue with this movie is the dysfunction of the family makes it seem realistic. Which only leaves you past the mood swing of the Grinch and more towards a suicidal Frosty – the snowman hanging out in the Sun.
The only man that people are waitin’ for in a Christmas movie is Santa. Not Jude Law. Somehow we went from getting fight or flight adrenaline levels of excitement over a wrapped package to casually typing a Christmas list e-mail to our parents. We have lost all that is good about the Christmas spirit: You get to be a kid again. You get to believe in the magic, the grandeur impossibility about a man who swigs milk, chimney hops and has a sleigh with a red-nosed reindeer leading the way. Some stocking-stuffer advice: Watch Elf, The Santa Clause, Home Alone, A Christmas Story! At the end of a Christmas film you are left ready to board the Polar Express, dance with sugarplum fairies and watch the northern lights glimmer. And who knows? Maybe you’ll find yourself caught under some mistletoe with the childish belief that anything is possible. Welcome to the club newbie – little did you know that being single could give you a night worth your while.
Photos taken from imdb.com and roxenegay.com