Politics can be a drag. But with the election approaching and the debates haggardly raging on like a bad case of mono, Sharon Needles chimes in for College Magazine to give her opinion on the matters. Spooky, self-deprecating and exceptionally talented, Needles was crowned America’s Next Drag Superstar by RuPaul herself on LOGO’s Drag Race last spring. Here’s what the Queen had to say:
As President of the United States, what would be the first legislation you’d present to congress?
Marriage is illegal for everyone, because I believe in equality. And no one shall work on Halloween.
Who would you choose as your running mate?
Amanda Lepore. Dedicated, seasoned, and age appropriate.
What’s your stance on the nation’s economy? Do you have any plans to create jobs for Americans?
The only jobs I care about are blow jobs and nose jobs. Though if you saw how many people it took to make me look presentable to the world, you’d know I created several jobs for people. I also leave most hotel rooms in disarray, providing not only stable but rigorous work for our south of the border immigrants. Oddly enough, the cleaning product Spic ‘n Span is completely inappropriate.
What in your opinion is the single greatest threat to the global environment and how can you help solve it?
Though I love the environment and have such a big heart for animals, I have to admit drag queens are one of the worst things for the environment. We are slathered in nothing but Chinese-made plastics adhered by toxic adhesives. But when the major oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico occurred, it was the drag community that showed up in with stockings and panty hoses to sift the oil from the gulf. It’s ups and downs, it’s gives and takes.
Do you support state amendments that place restrictions on abortion?
I believe states should be ran by the majority of the opinion of those who have spoken. Unfortunately, those who choose to speak are usually speaking on behalf of the robot that processed them to say what processed them to say. Seeing how children have affected so many of my friend’s lives, I believe you should be able to abort your child up to the age of five.
Do you believe marriage should be confined to a woman and a man?
No. I think everyone should have the opportunity to live a completely sexless boring life dependent on an NBC line-up and Groupons.
Should the minimum wage be raised or lowered? Why?
Money has always confused me. All those numbers makes my dizzy, but I have to think our minimum wage has to be somewhat appropriate due the economical climate I find in other countries. I buy wigs from China for 83 cents including shipping, yet I find the same ones in our country for over 100 dollars. I assume their minimum wage is the air that they breathe and a few rocks for lunch.
What should be the governments policy on college students loans and financial aid?
If you cant afford college, don’t go to college […] College is $30,000 worth of four years of prime ass–thank God I’m resourceful.
What are you closing statements?
Ladies and gentlemen and everything in between […] I believe in you, and have faith in myself, that I will put us as equal or less in a nonsensical direction as our last five presidents, with or without a college degree.