So all of your friends have made New Year’s Resolutions but you’re just not into it? That’s totally cool. Why mess with a good thing, right?
The Mayan’s predicted the end of a cycle in late December, and although it’s clear that the world didn’t end (I mean, I’m sure it did for some people…), it’s also clear that the end of one cycle is the beginning of another.
But you’re probably still feeling guilty about not changing everything about yourself with all your friends and feeling a little left out. Well, last year, Time Magazine created a list “Top 10 Commonly Broken New Year’s Resolutions.” Here’s what they came up with and also why they suck as “New” resolutions.
1. Lose Weight and Get Fit: Okay…if you haven’t started a diet already, why would you start one in the middle of winter? And “Get fit”? What are you going to do, start running in the freezing cold? Unless you live somewhere deep in the South, this is NOT happening. I mean, I’ve tried to run in 20-degree weather…Not Fun.
2. Quit Smoking: Why do you smoke anyway? School is stressful, yeah, but seriously? You don’t want to be wheezing while running up three flights of steps because the elevator is broken and you have to get to class. Cut it out. Not now. Like…yesterday.
3. Learn Something New: Um…aren’t you in college? This is not “new” this is called “Life.” Welcome. You have arrived.
4. Eat Healthier and Diet: This is not new either. And for all of you who weigh all of 110 pounds and are complaining about being fat, shut up. We all hate you.
5. Get Out of Debt and Save Money: You’re a college student. Get real. If anything, you’re gaining debt and losing money. Save this for when you actually have a job, if you can find one.
6. Spend More Time with Family: Ain’t nobody got time for this! And if you do, share some with me please because I have none. Plus, family? School family or blood family? How about animal family? Yeah, cats!
7. Travel to New Places: Does the Refrigerator count as “New?” Define “places.” I travelled to 19th century England in a book I read. That counts right? Real travel costs money and didn’t we already discuss the lack of funds?
8. Be Less Stressed: …There are no words for the ridiculousness of this statement.
9. Volunteer: Oh, oh in my “free” time in college. “Volunteering” is also known as “interning.” As in, working for free. A necessary evil, I’m afraid. “Volunteering” is also known as “working for peanuts because you’re starving and have to pay rent.” I “volunteer” all the time. Again, welcome to life.
10. Drink Less: Bahahahahahahahahahha. No!
Thank you to Time Magazine for this wonderfully irrelevant list of New Year’s Resolutions.