Group project. I can’t even listen to the professor describe our assignment because she lost me at teamwork. Wild thoughts dash through my mind as I digest the fact that I’ll be spending the next month of my life managing an irresponsible group member. Does my professor hate me?
It’s not like I don’t like people. People are great. Group project partners are not people. They’re soul-sucking black holes that can sniff out your overachieving nature like sharks tracking down a drop of blood. After four years of dealing with these slackers, I’ve decided it’s time to let them know how I feel.
Dear Awful Group Project Partner,
Hi. How are you doing today? I enjoyed that awkward eye contact we made after the teacher assigned us as partners. What a grand way to begin our relationship. I know that after the professor is done explaining the project requirements that you won’t acknowledge my existence or the fact that we’ll have to work extensively together over the next month. I also know that if I didn’t approach you, get your phone number and set up a time to meet that I wouldn’t hear from you until the night before the project is due, and even then there’s a possibility you wouldn’t try to contact me at all.
Maybe you’re just shy, or maybe my beauty intimidates you and every time you gave me a weird look and acted annoyed when I tried to talk to you about our project in class it was just you trying to mask how deeply you’ve fallen in love with me. Regardless of your feelings, our project is due in two weeks and we still haven’t been able to nail down a time to meet.
It’s fine though. I get it. You’re extremely busy. College is tough, am I right? It’s not like we don’t have a full course load, homework, student clubs, intramural sports, part-time jobs, gym time, advisor meetings and our futures to agonize over. I mean, that’s just me, but from your 12 texts detailing just how busy you are, my schedule must be a joke compared to yours. That’s why I completely understood when you changed our meeting time three times and then canceled five minutes after I arrived at our meeting spot. No worries! When you need to nap you need to nap, and happy hour doesn’t wait for anyone, right? Your priorities are straight, my friend, and your phone etiquette is spot on.
Finally! We met up and did some major brainstorming. When I say brainstorming, I mean I did most of the talking and the longest sentence you managed to mutter was “sounds good.” Positivity and support! Something every group project team needs. Participation obviously isn’t crucial, I assume you’re one of those silent genius types. No explanation needed. I couldn’t help but notice you didn’t bring your laptop, notebook or pencil with you. I’m assuming you were recording everything on your phone due to the fact that you were texting during the entirety of our meeting.
At least we split the workload evenly. Planning, researching and drafting the majority of the presentation is quite a lot but I understand you have your hands full with typing the presentation title and our names on the first powerpoint slide. Plus your cat just died. That’s so much to handle. That’s why I’m okay with the fact that you got an A for doing absolutely nothing. From beginning to end you were a gem. Your tenacity and ambition are traits to be admired. Thank you for all you did. Good luck.
The Overachiever & Group Leader for Life
P.S. The real world is going to be a rude awakening. I hope you get fired.