There are a lot of questions the need answers for the world to continue. Then there’s those that have gone unawared throughout the history of the world.
1. Will there ever be a day drinking event that doesn’t play Bruce Springsteen?
2. Where is this so-called Rack City?
3. How did Pitbull all of a sudden go from “Mr. 305” to “Mr. Worldwide?”
4. Where does Craig Sager shop?
5. Is Beer Pong A Sport?
While all these matters clearly need delving into, this article will focus to dilemma No. 5. Although we here at College Magazine unfortunately don’t have one of those “who should I marry” machines that Ben Stiller uses in Along Came Polly,we will attempt to answer this question the way people answered questions before the Internet gem known as Yahoo! Answers happened.
Arguments For Beer Pong Being A Sport:
Jerseys: While not a requirement, a beer pong game will often feature a pair of dudes with matching bandanas, basketball jerseys of a star player who graduated from their college five years ago and vision-impeding sunglasses. Teams of girls will often rock overly large sweatshirts, thus leading their opponents to believe that they are not single.* This is as big an intimidation tactic as any.
*Don’t be fooled that easily. It may very well be a ploy.
Routine: A beer pong shot is very much like a batting stance in baseball or a free throw routine; each are filled with odd twitches that may or may not be helpful to actual success, but will nevertheless lead one to believe that spinning the ball three times while slapping your thigh is absolutely essential.
Beer Pong also caters to superstitions colloquially known as “you go first bro,” thus setting up a talent hierarchy often found in sports that are conducive to unfathomable teammate hatred. Think three-on-three basketball or doubles tennis.
Streaks & Clutch: Getting hot in beer pong has this zone-like quality in which everything feels like it’s not only attainable but easy. The same goes for being clutch. It’s generally known which players have a shot at hitting two or three cups in a row to force overtime (this guy), and which players have less confidence than the male protagonist in a Judd Apatow movie.
Water: An essential component of any sport, beer pong has a whole cup dedicated to each team! (Though it’s probably important to note that drinking said water cup will probably take three to four years off your life.)
Arguments For Beer Pong Not Being A Sport
Fitness: The more in shape you are for beer pong, the scarier it is that you are considering raising a child in seven to 12 years from now.
Equipment: If gambling was a thing that people totally did, I’d really like to see the over/under on Toby Keith’s sobriety level when recording the song “Red Solo Cup.”
Quality: Imagine going to Golfsmith and the guy being all like, “Yo man, the best thing we got here is that $15 set of clubs. You could go for that Titleist set for $3,000, but you’ll probably be worse.” Now imagine playing beer pong with something that requires a bottle opener.
Half The Time, The Playlist Is More Important Than The Actual Game: Though to be fair, remember that guy from high school who needed to put an oddly specific set of songs on the warm-up CD?
Alcohol Is A Performance Enhancing Drug: This is like saying Barry Bonds broke the home run record only because he drank too much alcohol.Also, if this was the case in real sports, the United States government would be required to waste millions of dollars to find out who took performance-enhancing Budweiser. Then some brewery head would be vilified on 60 Minutes, and LeBron James would have to hold a press conference apologizing for once drinking Turtle and Mark Cuban’s tequila.
Final Verdict: If I made one, the loud minority known as the Internet might implode in a wave of unnecessary indignation and outrage. Being that this article was likely a way for you to put off doing something exponentially more productive, consider my lack of verdict as a gift to you, allowing you to ponder this ever-so important question for at least five more minutes.