Well howdy folks! How’s ya’ll doing on this here lovely Wednesday mornin’ (or afternoon, depending on whether or not you’s one of them people bordering the Atlantis Ocean). In case you didn’t know, it’s our B-E-A-“you”-tiful nation’s birthday—because you can’t spell America without “you.” You also can’t spell it without me, and ain’t that what our nation’s all about? The Civil War was a war all about me, me, me. Hell, we’ve gone toe to toe in some other wars and made some enemies along the way, and you can’t spell “enemies” without me either—although you does gotta jumble up the letters a lil bit. But hey, who doesn’t love a word search? (Come to think of it, “nemesis” might be a better choice than enemies…but either way I’m right! AMURRICA!) Right next to the funnies in the paper, word searches and sudoku just about steal the day. But who exactly is “me?”
Now, ‘scuse me for the ramblin’, but you’re still here so that must mean you’re interested in what it is I gotsa say. I, the average American, figured I’d help you celebrate the birthday of the most magnificent nation in the world by listing off some facts related to this glorious day and the country in general. Joe the Plumber would do it but he’s too busy finding the American dream at the bottom the toilet of some poor bastard who had too much curry last night. Eating ethnic foods, that’s the American way of doing things. AMURRICA!
- Following Independence Day was the longest, most drawn out, most brutal divorce of all time: the American Revolution. Nearly 300 years later was the complete opposite: Kim Kardashian’s divorce.
- Betsy Ross sewed the first American flag. Her great grand-daughter, Betty Ross, was sued years later for burning it.
- Take a moment to remember those who lost everything in the Boston Massacre. For those unfamiliar with the event, it was when the world watched in horror as the Boston Red Sox won the 2004 World Series.
- We have the best food in the world. Your opinion is both invalid and wrong if you disagree, proven by scientific facts. What facts, you ask? We’s got the highest obesity rates in the world—all that means is there’s more of us to love. AMURRICA!
- America is one of the few nations that don’t got an official language. Diversity, yo!
- One of our own, Jack Bauer, shot and killed Osama Bin Laden—public enemy numero uno. You’re welcome, rest of the world.
- Speaking of savin’ the world, we breeded the world’s first superhero, good ol’ Steve Rogers. [Captain] AMURRICA!
- Independence Day is the only federal holiday that doesn’t fall on a particular weekday every year. Memorial day, Turkey Day, Jersey Shore, Labor Day and MLK Day are always on the same day.
- America isn’t the only nation that celebrates Independence Day; every other nation that does have an Independence Day. That being said, all of them rely on our miltary at least 183% to be sure things stay that way. You’re welcome, Canada. Just nobody cross paths with us, we’ll drive you off the road.
So, whether you’re white, black, purple, gay, yellow, Irish, athletically challenged, blue or some other color of the rainbow, sit back today, enjoy a cheeseburger that someone else grilled for you, get into an argument, listen to some Springsteen or just set off some fireworks illegally. Oh, and don’t forget to crack open a PBR if you’re of age. Hell, crack it open even if you’re not—that’s the American way of doin’ things. Nobody besides Betty White can tell us what to do! AMURRICA!
Now enjoy a traditional, American video clip. And remember, AMURRICA!