Yesterday, CM’s Samantha Scharmett told everyone why boys are stupid. Guys, this one’s for you:
Girls these days seem to subscribe to the theory that men are these mysterious creatures whose intentions are impossible to read. I got news for you ladies: men aren’t that complicated. Do you remember when your dad told you about “the one thing on every boy’s mind?” The man knew what he was talking about. You people, on the other hand, are impossible to read. Based on the way some of you treat us poor, defenseless men, girl world must be a terrifying place full of backstabbing, manipulation and sleep over pillow fights (not actually a thing, I know). Ladies, here is an (abbreviated, of course) list of things you probably do wrong:
1.) Flirting to get what you want
Hungry? Bat your eyelashes and receive a plate of mozzarella sticks on the house from the male waiter. Thirsty? You’ll be swimming in drinks after a few Oscar-worthy giggles. Trying to get backstage at a concert? Flirt with a bouncer or the publicist and you’ll be chilling with Childish Gambino in no time. And women wonder why guys find them confusing. How are we supposed to know if you’re into us or just trying to get something from us?
2.) Never saying what you actually mean
Most guys figure out very quickly that girls speak in code. When a girl says, “I’m fine,” she really means something is wrong and it’s your job to figure out what it is. When she says, “You don’t need to get me anything for Valentine’s Day,” that’s a test. And when a girl says “whatever” during a fight, it means you better agree with her immediately or you’ll probably never see her again. Maybe this is why girls think guys are idiots. They speak in tongues, expect us to decipher their girl language and get made when we can’t. . I’ll never understand why girls can’t just say what they mean.
3.) Keeping your guard up 24/7
Look, I understand that some guys are jerks and can, on rare occasions, do stupid things too. You’ve probably been hurt by one or two that you thought might turn out to be special. Here’s the thing though: you’ll never find “the one” if you never show any interest in anyone in order to keep your heart in one piece. If you’re wondering why guys at parties don’t spend much time on you, it’s probably because you’re not giving them any indication that you have any interest in them. Feel free to flirt back (only if you really mean it of course; see item #1). It doesn’t make you look too eager and it makes the guy more likely to actually get to know you, whether he wants to or not.
4.) Leaving The Nice Guy Hanging
You know your guy friend who listens to you bitch about your love life while quietly nodding and sporadically offering his two cents? He’s probably dying a little inside every time you talk about how in love you are with that stud in your English class with the tattoos. Chances are he’s been in love with you for a long time but got friend zoned the second you labeled him as “safe” or “not boyfriend material.” In my experience, it seems like girls want a man who has the body of Ryan Gosling, the attitude of Barney Stinson and the nice guy heart of Michael Cera. Sorry ladies, that man doesn’t exist. Maybe if you give that nice guy a chance you’ll realize he was what you were looking for all along.
Photo: at http://drafthouse.com/movies/girlie_night_mean_girls/austin