Faking Orgasms

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I’m a good actress, but I wish I didn’t have to be.

Surveys show that when asked to rate their driving skills, the majority of people polled claim to be “moderately good to excellent drivers.”  So if everyone’s a good driver, who’s responsible for all these car crashes?  Similar to these egocentric automobilists, most men would deny the notion that any girl they’ve “serviced” has ever faked an orgasm.  Excuse me while I laugh at the irony.

I know, I know, it’s widely understood that faking is not a great strategy.  But I can think of several situations where the fake orgasm acts as an exit strategy.  I’m sure some of you girls can sympathize.

The Romeo

God, does this guy think the world of himself.  This guy prides himself on his “endurance,” while you just stare at the clock and wonder where the time has gone.  Pumping away like pistons in an engine, until you wish you could pull over the goddamn car, you need to put an end to this madness.  So you throw your head back, shimmy slightly, and give an Oscar-worthy moan. 

The Boy Scout

The public education system clearly failed this kid.  That, or he skipped Sex Ed, because he couldn’t find the clitoris with a compass and a trail guide.  While he explores, your eyes scan the ceiling, looking for meaning in an otherwise empty abyss.  Sort of like his tongue between your legs, searching for god knows what.  Let him stop hunting for your pleasure button, and hit the panic button – the XXX porn-star hip-thrusting finish.

The Virgin

Aww.  They’re so cute their first time.  But like that time I rode a bike without training wheels when I was 6, anyone who witnessed can agree that it ended very poorly, with a loud shriek.  Don’t be ashamed to do the same.  It’s not really lying, you’re only trying to help the boy’s ego as he clumsily flops.  I’m sure he was trying his very best, and it really is the thought that counts, right?  Give yourself a gold star and give him an E for effort, then go home and give yourself an orgasm, because he sure as hell couldn’t.

But in all seriousness, dearest darlingest readers, I’ve learned from trial and error that time is wasted lying about your orgasms.  The best relationships and the absolute best sex require solid communication.  Instead of passive aggressively hinting that you’d rather see “The Vow” than “Act of Valor,” assert yourself and tell him where you want him to go.  Do the same when he’s on top of you Friday night.  If you don’t tell him, he might never know, and it’s a damn shame to waste a perfectly good bout of lovemaking because you’re too shy to tell him what gets you off.  Like a great gift at Christmastime, it’s just as rewarding to give as it is to receive.

Ladies, speak your mind.  This, in my opinion, is advice that transcends the bedroom.  It’s an asset to be so confident, and this can only help your situation.  So save your acting skills for the stage, babe.  The truth will get you off. 


Magazine Journalism > Syracuse University

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