College Is My Boyfriend

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Long distance, marriage, puppy love, friends with benefits; relationship types can stretch far beyond the typical boyfriend and girlfriend status of the Stone Age. Ever since Jimmy McMillan, the iconic figure of The Rent is too Damn High political party told America, “you can marry a shoe if you want,” it got me thinking. My most significant, passionate and turbulent romantic relationship is not with a man or woman, but with College.

College and I have been together through thick and thin for three years. Although you might not understand our relationship at first, if you truly analyze your own situation, you might find yourself in the very same love boat.  For all you single guys and gals out there, just know you are never alone when you have College by your side.

1.) Initial Relationship

While looking for a new boyfriend during your fourth year of dating High School, you searched everywhere. You went on blind dates and gave your all to a few colleges.  After telling these potential lovers anything and everything to make yourself look like a good match, some flat out rejected you, which left you heartbroken.  Others, however, offered you their love and acceptance.

"My boyfriend College played hard to get the first time I tried, but after a year of dating someone else, he finally accepted me," said Michigan State University Rachel Dickerman.

2.) Popularity

College has introduced you to dozens of friends who have become people you know will be in your life forever. Even when College is busy attending his packed schedule of 1,000 classes and can’t be there for you, your friends will always have your back. College also always knows where the bestparties are, even if you have to venture outside of his turf to attend.

College takes me out to eat with friends every day, but the food isn’t always that great,” said Hofstra University junior Kristin Waltiere.

3.) Is he a gold digger?

Sometimes you may think College is only with you for your money. It feels like every September on the dot she’s asking you for even more dough. Although many of College’s exes have left her for someone who doesn’t ask for as much cash, you realize that the benefits of your love for College outweigh the costs. College is your biggest motivator, as she is constantly giving you the tools to make sure you succeed later in life.

“College is high maintenance and burns a hole in my pocket year after year,” said Hofstra university junior Chelsea Tirrell. “But it’s always been my philosophy that when you love someone, you’ll do anything for them.”

4.) Athleticism

Everyone wants to date someone athletic, right? College is amazing at not just one, but over a dozen sports. You attend every one of his games [regardless of sobriety], and even get your friends together to tailgate beforehand.

My boyfriend Michigan State won the Big 10 Football Championship last year, I was so proud,” said Dickerman.

5.) Intelligence

College is by far the most successful person you’ve ever met. He’s on the right track to be a lawyer, engineer, journalist and even a doctor. You know if you stick with him, you’ll be sure to have a luxurious lifestyle soon enough.

“College may make a wrong decision here or take a wrong path there but in the end, he’s versatile enough to succeed in anything he does. I like a guy who can make something out of anything. And College? He’s that guy,” said Tirrell.

Now that you’ve realized what an amazing relationship you have with College, celebrate your honeymoon with a study abroad vacation, go out to eat together in the cafeteria or tailgate before his big game. Even if he is cheating on you with 30,000 other students and may be 100 years older, appreciate what you have now because these relationships typically last a mere four years, and I hear this is the best relationship of your life.

Photo: The Welsh Puppy at

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