Boost Your Own Ego

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Dear Noah,

I can't get any girls attracted to me, and I go to a very large university. I work out and I think I am fairly friendly, but I never get the "ladies vibe" or anything. I don't consider myself some sort of amazingly beautiful person, but I wouldn't say I have any abnormal things about me. What do you suggest?

–College man

Dear College Man,

If you’re going to a very large university, it’s definitely not the number of fish in the sea that’s your barrier. And while looks can matter, in the end there's someone for everyone, and personality and confidence trumps appearances.

First, you want to ask yourself how you’re meeting potential “ladies.” If you’re spending your time trying to attract girls in your classes or clubs, you’re going about it the wrong way. Those kinds of relationships develop without much work; you spend a lot of time with people in those settings, and an attraction will naturally become apparent.

Where you want to “try” is at parties, bars, or other settings when you’re meeting strangers through loose connections. If you go to a pregame, and meet a friend of a friend, or end up at a party and are introduced to a girl, that’s when you want to put in some effort.  

Now that you know when to try, the next thing is figuring out the best way to do it. You say that you’re a friendly person…but you want to attract girls who want more than friendship. And the girls that are looking for a guy are not necessarily looking for a friendly one—they’re looking for a hot one.

Sometimes it’s better to be less friendly and more cool. By cool, I mean you need to seem calm, confident, and casual. Confidence is a quality that girls find extremely attractive, yet is something we often forget to think about.

Which girl are you going to like more: the one who is friendly and comes up to you, or the one who looks at you, gives a slight smile to show she’s interested, and turns away?

Desirability can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, perpetuated by a sense of confidence. Exude that confidence, and you’ll be set. Think of this less as what you can do to be more attractive, and rather how you can carry yourself to be more confident.

Good luck, and don’t overdo it—no one likes a pompous jerk.

Dear Noah,

"Would ladies find me boring due to my qualities?

-Reading a lot (about anything- from world economics to cuisine and travelling/sports)

-Some shyness but wanting to get to know people

-Likes to travel

-Average looks but finds ways to make himself laugh and happy i.e. listening to good music, watching funny films etc. 

-Wanting to talk about his hobbies & passions (albeit not to excess)"

–Resumé Guy

Dear Resumé Guy,

College isn’t—you can’t just list your qualities to determine your percentage of attractiveness and compatibility.

The fact that you’re looking at it this way is probably your biggest problem. The things you listed are awesome—lots of girls would find them attractive. But they’re not going to be attracted to someone who’s questioning their own qualities.

This situation is similar to the previous question. You need to be confident that you’re an interesting person in order for others to think so too. The second you meet someone, you’re not going to be able to convey all of your interests to them at once.

That’s the whole reason dating exists – it’s not called “date,” it’s called “dating.” Why? Because we need to interact with people multiple times before we understand them and can determine if they are interesting or boring. You just need to make sure you make a good impression, which involves confidence and a little bit of extroversion.

I think you’ve got everything you need—you just need to believe it. Remember that your hobbies and interests are going to change, but your personality characteristics aren’t. Even if you had a lack of interests and hobbies, you still want to learn, your humorous and your passionate. Go with it.

Just one last thing: don’t be cocky. Something about the way you were able to list off your qualities gives me the feeling that you think highly of yourself but are insecure about how others see you. Get rid of that insecurity, because it’s only going to hurt you. And add a little humility into that mix—it can’t hurt.

You’ll be fine, as soon as you believe it yourself. Good luck!   

Anonymously ask Noah your own hookup/dating/sex/relationship question below and you might find your answer in next week's column.


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