A Tale of Two Bowels: Why You Should Invest in CampusMD

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College is an awful time to get sick. You’re miles away from your family doctor, and for the first time in your life, your parents aren’t there to spoonfeed you Robitussin and check your temperature.

Fortunately, CampusMD is a reliable source for a wealth of medical knowledge. With a few on-screen taps, you’re Facetiming with a board-certified physician. The app costs $99 for a year of service, but what if you opt not to buy it? Things could go horribly wrong…

Take 1: The CampusMD Route

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The day you leave for college, your mother signs you up for CampusMD. You tell her that you can take care of yourself, but there’s no point in arguing.

Three months later, you’re still in good health. Tch, you think, Paying for CampusMD sure was a waste. Then around 9 p.m., you feel an odd rumbling in the pit of your stomach…

Take 2: Flying Solo

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As you’re packing for school, your mom offers to buy you a year’s worth of CampusMD. You refuse — after all, you survived the flu on your own last year — so she hands you a bin of miscellaneous medications instead, which you stow under your bathroom sink and forget about.

The first half of the semester flies by. Other than a bout of rough allergies, you’ve been feeling great. Then, without warning, one Tuesday at 9 p.m., you begin to feel a bit queasy…

Take 1: Panic Sets In

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The Chipotle you ate last night has come back for revenge, and you’ve been on the toilet for two hours. This is the worst case of the Hershey squirts you’ve ever had. Your face is red; you’re sweating profusely. You wince as your stomach tries to punch its way out of your abdomen.

You stumble to your bedroom on wobbly legs and grab your iPad, making it back to the bathroom with barely enough time to spare. You open CampusMD and wait to connect to a doctor while vomiting in the trashcan.

Take 2: You Can’t Run from the Runs

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You knew that the guacamole tasted funky, but you ate it anyway. This is your punishment: you’ve been spewing hot lava for hours with no end in sight. Then, suddenly, your mouth gets watery. You grab the can next to the toilet, and before you know it you’re leaking from both ends.

You try calling your mother, but she’s sleeping. Your roommate is gone for the night. The campus health center is a mile and a half away — you’ll never make it there without soiling yourself. Oh god, you think, This is where I’ll die.

Take 1: A Good Investment

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It’s now past midnight, and you’re videochatting with a physician through CampusMD. You explain your symptoms in between grunts. Placidly ignoring the fact that you’re calling from a bathroom, the doctor tells you that you have food poisoning. He recommends a home treatment to get you through the night, writes you a prescription and even sends you a note so you can skip class the next day. You breathe a sigh of relief. Crisis averted.

Take 2: Mother Knows Best

(Photo courtesy of giphy)

It’s now past midnight, and you are suffering alone. You drag yourself off the toilet and crawl to your medicine bin, but after rummaging around for a few minutes, you find nothing that can help you.

There’s nothing left inside you to excrete, so you curl up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Your roommate finds you there the next morning, a lifeless husk. “Oh, were you sick all night?” she asks. “My dad just bought me the CampusMD service, have you ever heard of it?”

(Main photo courtesy of imgflip.com)

Student, writer, lover of all things weird, gross and scientific. Senior at Penn State studying English and Print Journalism.

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