Move-in day for your freshman year of college has finally arrived, and you’re sporting a bro tank to show off the summer muscles you developed at your local YMCA. As per instructions from your guidance counselor and Cosmo (I know you read it), you decide to keep your door open while unpacking in hopes of meeting future squad members or a significant other. The stage is set as people roll through to say hello while commenting on how awesome your room looks–despite the fact that it is an exact replica of every single other dorm room. What nobody will tell you, though, is that you’re about to meet some pretty ridiculous people.
8. The Heart Throb Romantic
There’s always one. Don’t be alarmed if by the second weekend of school, the dude who lives across the hall from you starts to brag about how he met the girl of his dreams. By week three, they’ll be officially be “dating.” Good for him, even though both you and his permanently sexiled roommate are in for some difficult times. Bring an extra sleeping bag for the poor soul and earplugs for when you walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Then get ready to be a shoulder to cry on when they break up by week five.
7. The Video Game Addict
Although he may seem chill at first, be wary of the guy down the hall with the sweet Xbox game collection. One game of FIFA can quickly turn into an addiction that drives you to skip classes and awesome parties for the virtual world. Traits to look for in video game addicts are headsets, loud yelling at pixelized characters on a TV screen and patchy facial hair. On the plus side, he’ll have awesome finger dexterity. So that’s pretty cool.
6. Bathroom Conversation Guy
Do you like to brush your teeth or apply acne cream in peace? Well, if you share communal bathrooms like most freshmen, consider yourself fresh out of quiet time. Every floor has that one person who always feels the need to strike up a conversation while your mouth is full of toothpaste. Play nice, though, because you don’t want him talking behind your back with everyone else he encounters at the sinks.
5. The Gardener
Have you ever walked down your hallway in the middle of the day and smelled the faint odor of skunk? Some floors in freshman dorms can smell this way due to the gardener. Everybody knows who he is, but nobody calls him out because he’s normally a cool guy whose only downside is that he reeks.
4. The Next Great EDM Artist
Every floor has the one room that constantly bumps loud music that can be heard from miles away. In that room, you’ll find the same guy you always see walking around campus with headphones in. If you start to get into a conversation with him, get ready to be asked what summer festivals you went to and to name your low-key favorite EDM artists. If he asks you to watch a movie, don’t be confused when he pulls up the “Tomorrow Land Aftermovie” as for his viewing pleasure.
3. John Mayer
Let me rephrase. “The guy who sings John Mayer songs in the shower” will be on your floor. There’s nothing worse than looking forward to a warm, relaxing shower and having it ruined by the guy with the shower radio and a screechy voice. As if he doesn’t realize there’s someone showering four feet from him, he’ll sing “Firework” louder than both Kim Jung Un and James Franco combined.
2. The Hardo
Hardos on college campuses nationwide are notorious for making us average folk feel awful about ourselves. Not only will they have near-perfect GPAs, but they’ll also belong to basically every club on campus. To make matters worse, they’ll also find time to keep a rigorous workout schedule that puts your dad bod to shame. Think you can escape their anxiety-inducing personality during the summer? Think again. While you’re off being the best bus-boy your side of the Mississippi, they’ll be at their paid internships. As the saying goes, though, don’t hate the player. Hate the game.
1. The Best Man
Through all the turmoil that all these other people put you through, you will most likely meet your best friend. He’ll see the craziness you see and be an awesome wall to bounce stories off of, like the time you saw Crazy Steve curse at a 9–year-old while playing him online in Madden. Never take him for granted, because he will be your saving grace through all the wild times of freshman living.